Monsters Are Idiots

Cemeteries effected by the recession

2009-10-20T08:27:00.005-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - Due to the recent recession cemeteries are having trouble affording additional real estate needed for expansion. To cope cemetery directors have been steering clients towards alternatives such as cremation or NBC's method, burying their dead at 10pm.

Recliner sales on the rise

2009-10-19T07:16:00.011-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - According to a new study, the advent of the HD television is the reason U.S. recliner sales are projected to reach $4 billion this year. Also projected to reach 4 billion, the average recliner owner in pounds.

Elivs hair sells for $15,000

2009-10-19T05:19:00.004-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - A clump of hair believed to have been from the head of Elvis Presley sold for $15,000 at a Chicago auction house. Similar to most auctions involving hair, the item went to the person who was highest creeper.

Facebook poke lands woman in jail

2009-10-14T22:31:00.004-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - Shannon D. Jackson of Tennessee was arrested last week for Facebook poking a woman who had an order of protection placed against her. The crackdown has spread, Police have since filed homicide charges against millions in connection with some shit called Mafia Wars.

Fire sweeps through home as man sleeps

2009-10-14T02:09:00.001-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - A Pittsburgh man who slept soundly as fire tore through his home, didn't wake until firefighters did a walk through two hours later. The man said he would've been more alert had he not been up all night setting fire to his home.

German gets caught on train

2009-10-13T20:16:00.002-04:00

HAMBURG, GERMANY - A German man mooning rail staff on a departing train got his pants caught in a door and ended up being dragged half naked along the platform - which, according to witnesses, is exactly how German chocolate is made.

Call center breaks child labor laws

2009-09-30T23:05:00.005-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - On Tuesday federal investigators cracked down on a multi-state call center company they said had broken child labor laws by employing children as young as 13 to man their phones. Authorities said they apprehended the company's CEO while he was traveling to a film festival in Switzerland.

TLC drops Jon and keeps Kate

2009-09-30T03:18:00.001-04:00

LOS ANGELES, CA - TLC announced on Tuesday that "Jon & Kate Plus 8" will be continuing minus Jon Gosselin. Jon will still occasionally appear, the network added, "but only when he sneaks in pretending not to steal coke money."

A man's gripe with "Froot Loops"

2009-09-30T00:17:00.005-04:00

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - A San Francisco man filed a lawsuit alleging that he ate boxes of Froot Loops for years based on his mistaken belief the cereal contained fruit. He's also suing makers of Frankenberry because the cereal doesn't actually include contents from an enormous monster's nutsack.

Palin's upcoming memoir gets a title

2009-09-29T23:05:00.004-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - Sarah Palin's publisher, HarperCollins, announced on Tuesday the title of Palin's eagerly awaited memoir will be "Going Rogue: An American Life." HarperCollins said it was a strong toss up between that and the other potential title: "Winkin' Like a Stroke Victim"

Poland backs chemical castration

2009-09-29T05:02:00.003-04:00

WARSAW, POLAND - On Friday a court in Poland approved a law allowing chemical castration to be used as a form of punishment. Ironic because Poland is a country well known for its Spring.

Donald Fisher, Gap co-founder, dies

2009-09-29T04:48:00.005-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - Donald Fisher, co-founder of the clothing chain Gap, died on Sunday at the age 81. Keeping with the spirit of Gap, Fisher will be laid to rest the traditional way, and then again by some snobby Gap store employee.

Glenn Beck gets key to hometown city

2009-09-28T04:55:00.003-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - On Sunday, Glenn Beck received a ceremonial key to the city from the mayor of his hometown while hundreds of protesters picketed the event. According to one protester, many angry locals feel Beck has taken an unfortunate turn for the worst since releasing "Mellow Gold"

Iran's police warn shops against curvy mannequins

2009-09-25T05:06:00.003-04:00

TEHRAN, IRAN - As a part of a government campaign against Western influence, Iranian police warned shopkeepers this week against using mannequins that expose body curves. This has forced Iranians to create what they call a "Curve less Mannequin" - or for those living outside of Iran, a two by four.

Justin Timberlake cast in Fincher film

2009-09-25T04:15:00.003-04:00

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Justin Timberlake landed a role in the new film from driector David Fincher, a perfectionist notorious for putting his actors through long shoot days. After given the schedule, Timberlake said the only other time he's seen something that long it belonged to Janet Jackson and had a nipple on the end of it.

MIT students create Facebook ‘gaydar’

2009-09-24T00:04:00.003-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - Two MIT students are conducting an experiment to support claims they can tell a person is gay based on their Facebook profile. The number one sign? At the top of the profile are the words "Hello, I'm Kanye West."

Kevin Federline to join VH1's 'Celebrity Fit Club'

2009-09-23T23:54:00.003-04:00

HOLLYWOOD, CA - VH1 confirmed the addition of Kevin Federline to the cast of this season's Celebrity Fit Club, which also includes contestant Bobby Brown. Upon hearing the news, a confused Bobby Brown said, "Federlines? That's the way I got Whitney to first ingest cocaine!"

White cop told cornrows break work rules

2009-09-23T03:13:00.003-04:00

PHILADELPHIA, PA - A white Philadelphia cop was taken off the street and regulated to desk duty after reporting to work with his hair in cornrows. According to a superior, the white cop in cornrows was offered another punishment, but was uncomfortable with traveling through time to sing for The Offspring.

Octomom Nadya Suleman enjoys yoga

2009-09-23T02:17:00.004-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - Octomom Nadya Suleman was spotted recently in the park near her home practicing yoga stretches. Octomom explained she's currently taking a class on stretching led by quite an experienced teacher - HER UTERUS.

Dick Cheney has back surgery

2009-09-19T10:34:00.002-04:00

WASHINGTON DC - Former Vice President Dick Cheney underwent back surgery at a Washington D.C. hospital on Thursday. Doctors said the procedure went well considering Cheney's was the first spine ever to require quadruple bypass surgery.

Facebook user numbers jump wildly

2009-09-18T00:39:00.006-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - Facebook announced it's reached milestone this week with its user base jumping to more than 300 million. Soon after Facebook made its announcement, Myspace also had something to say, which was..something about a birthday reminder? I don't know, it's in my spam box.

Lehman Brothers one year later

2009-09-18T00:30:00.002-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - This week marks the one-year anniversary of banking firm Lehman Brothers' collapse. To honor the fall of the company, the former Lehman Brothers CEO requested a moment of silence - a request that was unfortunately denied by his manager at KFC.

Former Bush speechwriter offers a raw look into the White House

2009-09-17T03:59:00.003-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - Crown Publishers announced they'll be releasing a book written by the former speech writer for President George W. Bush. Crown added they wanted to send Bush's former speech writer out on a promotional tour, but traveling is tough for a stack of boxes randomly falling onto a typewriter.

Traffic camera capture Alice Cooper

2009-09-15T23:51:00.003-04:00

PHOENIX, AZ - Classic rock singer Alice Cooper was fined after he was caught by Phoenix traffic cameras driving 59 in a 45-mph zone. Wikipedia said they'll add this startling new info to Alice Cooper's page just as soon as someone creates one.

Panel recommends 3-level alerts for terror

2009-09-15T23:27:00.005-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - After a review of the nation's terror alert system, a special task force recommended the new administration keep the color coded alerts, but reduce the number of colors. The three colors of the new terror alert system are: red, yellow and for sitcom fans, Jaleel White.

House gets ready to vote on Joe Wilson

2009-09-15T04:14:00.006-04:00

WASHINGTON, DC - The House will vote Tuesday on a resolution that could potentially expel Rep. Joe Wilson, the South Carolina Republican who yelled "you lie" during President Barack Obama's health-care speech to Congress. According to reports, last time a Wilson was tossed from the house this abruptly, some vollyball angered Tom Hanks in "Castaway"

Rep. Joe Wilson on potential punishment

2009-09-15T00:41:00.003-04:00

WASHINTON, DC - In addressing pending disciplinary steps against him by the House, South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson issued a written statement days after screaming "You lie!" during the President's speech to congress. Wilson's is the first written statement in history to give those reading tinnitus.

Iraqi shoe thrower's release from jail delayed

2009-09-14T05:20:00.004-04:00

BAGHDAD, IRAQ - The family of the Iraqi reporter jailed for throwing his shoes at former President George W. Bush says that due to paperwork issues, the man wont be released on Monday as planned, but instead on Tuesday. The family said it will stage a sit-in protest outside the base Tuesday until he is released - or, in other words just wait out in the parking lot since they're already there.

Neighbors irked Kansas City home painted orange

2009-09-14T04:40:00.005-04:00

KANSAS CITY, KANSAS - Some residents of a Kansas City neighborhood said they are concerned about the property value of their homes dropping after one of their neighbors painted his house an obnoxiously bright Orange color. "That place don't look half bad!" shouted the skin of George Hamilton.

1 out of 10 New Yorkers have had swine flu

2009-09-01T03:26:00.005-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - According to new research, one in ten New Yorkers have been infected with swine flu since earlier this year - while the other nine only smell like they've had it.

Disney to buy comic book powerhouse Marvel for $4B

2009-08-31T20:07:00.005-04:00

LOS ANGELES, CA - The Walt Disney Co. said Monday it is buying Marvel Entertainment Inc. for $4 billion. The two plan to cross promote - whenever there's a death on the pages of a Marvel comic, it'll be set exclusively during a Disney World stunt show.

Jenna Bush joins "Today" show

2009-08-31T17:04:00.013-04:00

LOS ANGELES, CA - Former President George W. Bush's daughter, Jenna Bush, announced this week she'll be joining the cast of NBC's "Today" show. She'll be taking the position of National Slow Fathers Correspondent.

Critics want Ikea to go back to the Futura

2009-08-31T04:28:00.003-04:00

STOCKHOLM - Ikea, the Swedish furniture chain, said fans have been complaining about the company's decision to change its catalog font after 50 years from Futura to Verdana. Though Ikea does feel it was better than its first choice: the I'm Only Going To Attempt To Put This Dresser Together Two More-Times New Roman.

'Jon & Kate' star Kate Gosselin to sit in on 'The View'

2009-08-28T04:53:00.005-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - Jon & Kate Plus 8's Kate Gosselin is scheduled to sit in for Elizabeth Hasselbeck on The View - while Jon is scheduled to have sex with her.

Picasso's "The Naked Woman" recovered in Iraq

2009-08-28T04:33:00.006-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - Missing for many years, a Pablo Picasso painting entitled "The Naked Woman" was recently unearthed by security officials in Iraq. "The Naked Woman" was discovered while it was receiving a 10 year prison sentence for public indecency.

Watermelon juice, the next source of energy

2009-08-27T20:41:00.007-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - A new study finds that fractured watermelons could easily be used to create fuel for vehicles and eventually may replace oil. Exxon Mobil have since announced a multi billion dollar merger with funnyman Gallagher.

General Motors dropping logo from all vehicles

2009-08-26T19:21:00.003-04:00

DETROIT, MI - A spokesman for General Motors said they'll soon be dropping the steel "GM" logo from all of their vehicles. Adding "Well, not so much 'dropping' as 'kind of just falling off.'"

Newly declassified CIA documents

2009-08-25T05:29:00.009-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - On Monday, President Obama released newly declassified CIA documents detailing the Bush administration's policy of capturing suspected terrorists and interrogating them in overseas prisons. Each page had the words "USE LIGHTNING" scribbled across the center, and had a slight odor of buckshot.

Jessica Biel dangerous for web surfers

2009-08-25T04:47:00.016-04:00

WASHINGTON, DC - A tech security company reported that online searches for actress Jessica Biel have a one-in-five chance of ending up at a Web site designed to infect one's computer. Providing Mountain Dew-encrusted lips a one-in-five trillion chance to say the words "Jessica Biel gave me a virus."

Golf groundskeeper finds 10-pound mammoth tooth

2009-08-25T03:04:00.007-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - A Michigan groundskeeper recently unearthed an extremely rare, ten pound mammoth tooth on the golf course where he works. Rare because golf courses have only seen teeth that large on a Tiger.

Latest budget deficit $2 trillion higher

2009-08-24T20:14:00.003-04:00

WASHINGTON, DC - On Monday the Obama administration announced they will be facing a budget deficit two-trillion dollars higher than expected. The reason: Joe Biden's discovery of the new two-trillion song iPod.

Japan’s Nikkei jumps on U.S. homes, commodities

2009-08-24T04:43:00.005-04:00

TOKYO, JAPAN - Bloomburg reported today that Japanese stocks rose, lifting the Nikkei 225 Stock Average to its biggest jump in some time. Nikkei hasn't seen this kind of success since it created the Air Jordans.

Obama approves new US interrogation team

2009-08-24T03:35:00.011-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - President Obama recently approved the creation of an elite, thorough team of interrogators to question key terrorism suspects. The team is currently being assembled during very intense interviews, or what we know them as: town hall meetings.

Happy Birthday, Google!

2009-08-24T03:18:00.004-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - Last week Google celebrated a milestone when the world's number one search engine turned five. The five year old engine was then immediately traded in as part of the Cash For Clunkers plan.

Ohio man finds possible Lincoln note

2009-08-21T02:45:00.003-04:00

SOUTH AMHERST, OHIO - Experts were asked to analyze a note an Ohio man found at a flea market believing it to have belonged to Abraham Lincoln. It turns out, it was a five-dollar bill.

Michael Jackson movie premiers October 28th

2009-08-21T01:42:00.006-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - According to Sony Pictures, the film about Michael Jackson's final three months will be a limited engagement, running in theaters worldwide for two weeks only. It will then be liquefied and injected into the butt cheek of every creature on Earth.

Starbucks boosts prices on beverages

2009-08-20T20:41:00.004-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - Beginning today, Starbucks Corp. will raise prices on the majority of their beverages by as much as thirty cents. Bringing the new cost of a large cup of coffee to six billion dollars.

Officials may recommend 3 flu shots

2009-08-20T04:17:00.003-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - Because of the strength of the H1N1 flu virus, the nation's top health officials have warned the public that they may need as many as three shots. "We're way ahead of you" said the Minnesota Vikings.

Celine Dion pregnant

2009-08-20T03:50:00.003-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - Singer Celine Dion said her latest pregnancy involved using an embryo that had been frozen for eight years. In other words, Celine Dion plans to release her version of "Ice, Ice, Baby".

iPhones under examination

2009-08-19T03:45:00.004-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - Authorities said they'll be examining the safety of Apple iPhones after several of the devices have exploded. Apple announced it plans to market the potentially explosive iPhone under it's new name: The Fourth of July-Phone.

Large percentage of US money found to have traces of cocaine

2009-08-17T22:57:00.004-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - A study by the University of Massachusetts has found that roughly 90 percent of banknotes contain traces of cocaine - confirming the familiar expression "money talks...and talks and talks and talks."

JetBlue launches all-you-can-fly deal

2009-08-12T23:51:00.005-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - JetBlue has launched a new promotion that allows ticket buyers unlimited flights for 30 days. 30 days on an airplane? Sounds like the business model of Continental.

'Winnie the Pooh' pulls bank job in Chicago

2009-08-12T20:39:00.007-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - On Friday, a Chicago bank was robbed by a man police say wore a sweatshirt which featured a picture of Winnie the Pooh. On the note the man handed the bank teller "money" was spelled "M-U-N-N-Y", and he demanded all of it.

Mona Lisa attacked

2009-08-12T17:47:00.005-04:00

PARIS, FRANCE - French police say an angry assailant threw a mug at the Mona Lisa, which was fortunately locked behind bullet proof glass. After hearing the Mona Lisa was locked up, Bill Clinton was immediately on a flight over to free her.

Brooks & Dunn break-up

2009-08-11T22:49:00.003-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - After 20 years together, multi-platinum music duo Brooks & Dunn announced they will be breaking up. Industry insiders said they haven't seen a split this huge since the day K-Fed decided to try on a pair of his old jeans.

GM teams up with EBay to sell cars online

2009-08-10T23:07:00.004-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - In an attempt to boost vehicle sales, cash-strapped GM announced it will be teaming up with EBay. The name of the new partnership: Guantanamo Bay.

Aeromith's Steven Tyler falls offstage

2009-08-06T17:49:00.005-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - During a recent concert, Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler fell off the stage, landing on top of audience members. Tyler survived the fall, but the audience members instantly died of syphilis.

Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler suffered injuries in a fall from the stage at a recent concert. Audience members said they took one look at Tyler and thought he was a goner – and that was 45 minutes before he fell.

LIRR engineer arrested for letting passenger drive train

2009-08-05T19:21:00.005-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - A Long Island Rail Road engineer and a passenger he let drive his train were arrested Wednesday for endangering passengers' lives. The engineer said he would have stayed behind the trains controls, but a cell phone battery does not charge itself.

World Breast Feeding Week begins

2009-08-03T10:57:00.006-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - The 20th annual World Breastfeeding Week began Saturday, celebrating the public display of breast feeding across 120 countries. All of which have their own translation of the phrase "What's going on over on that park bench, AHHGAH!"

Texting, talking NY trucker hits pool

2009-08-01T23:27:00.007-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - Police say a New York tow truck driver crashed into a swimming pool while driving, texting on one cell phone and talking on another. Or as most railway operators call it: driving.

Organizers plan Vick celebration in hometown

2009-08-01T13:42:00.003-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - Community organizers in Michael Vick's Virginia hometown are planning a day centered around the former quarterback with an event dubbed The Michael Vick Community Celebration. Or as the rest of America call it, September 11th.

Tanning beds cause cancer as much as smoking

2009-07-30T20:01:00.005-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - Cancer experts announced on Tuesday that they now consider tanning beds among the top cancer risks — about as lethal as arsenic, mustard gas or cigarettes. Tanning bed manufacturers are urged to refer to their product by its new name: tanning casket.

International cancer experts announced on Tuesday that they now consider tanning beds among the top cancer risks, about as lethal as cigarettes. Symptoms range from skin discoloration to tanner's cough.

International cancer experts announced on Tuesday that they now consider tanning beds among the top cancer risks. Sad, it looks like the Real House Wives of New York wont live to see 150.

Megan Fox overexposed: Aug. 4 boycott declared

2009-07-30T07:12:00.004-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - Editors from many of the web's top magazines feel Megan Fox has become too over exposed and have sanctioned August 4th as Megan Fox media blackout day: no articles, no photos, not a bit of coverage. So in another words, a day in the life of Jermaine Jackson.

Driver tells Connecticut police snakes led to SUV crash

2009-07-29T04:36:00.006-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - Police say a driver blamed an SUV crash in Connecticut on two baby snakes slithering near the gas and brake pedals, causing him to loose control. When questioned where the two baby snakes came from, the driver said they were included with the vehicle's GPSsssssssssssssss.

New poll: New York is tops for singles

2009-07-28T22:40:00.008-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - A new online poll says out of the entire country the best place to find singles is New York City. Specifically the six-foot radius surrounding Jon Gosselin.

Michael Vick is a monster

2009-07-28T07:39:00.004-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - It was revealed there is an interest in signing Michael Vick to the Washington Redskins, a team that hasn't won a Superbowl in 18 years. Redskins' management heard Vick had a "ring" and instantly began talks.

It looks like Michael Vick will soon have his hands back on the old pig skin - that's right, tomorrow he plans on checking himself for discolored moles.

Taser unveils new stun gun

2009-07-28T04:54:00.010-04:00

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ - On Monday Taser unveiled its new model of stun gun, a device with the ability to shock multiple people simultaneously. They call it the "Britney Spears Two Years Ago"

Taser unveiled its new model of stun gun on Monday, a device with the ability to shock multiple people simultaneously - something unfamiliar to the producers of "Bruno".

Man charged with stealing eyeglasses

2009-07-28T02:23:00.009-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - Police arrested a man after he entered three high-end shops with a gun and stole over 500 pairs of Prada and Gucci eye glasses. He said they were for his wife, a very materialistic potato.

iPhone app lets the forgetful bookmark their car

2009-07-24T04:41:00.017-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - There's new iPhone app that helps users remember where they've parked their car. It has a special Lindsay Lohan feature that's just a slide show of various telephone poles.

Taco Bell Chihuahua passes away

2009-07-23T20:10:00.003-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - Famed Chihuahua 'Gidget', who was featured in Taco Bell ads, passed away on Tuesday. She will be buried in between a Pizza Hut and a Long John Silvers.

Haa..just, haa.

2009-07-23T04:36:00.003-04:00

"Not that I have fun with making the cuts -- they sadden me -- but ... that doesn't mean that you cannot wave a knife around, or to wave your sword around, to get the message across that certain cuts have to be made because it's budget time," Schwarzenegger said during the news conference.

Totally real.

Jackson Browne's copyright lawsuit with John McCain settled

2009-07-22T20:37:00.011-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - Singer Jackson Browne has won his copyright infringement battle against Sen. John McCain for a pro-McCain web video that featured "Running On Empty", a hit for Browne recorded in the mid-70's - which also happened to be the age of McCain when the song was released.

Singer Jackson Browne has won a law suit against Sen. John McCain and the Republican Party for the unauthorized use of one of his songs in a McCain/Palin commercial. The case was entitled "Browne vs. Lack of Education"

Obama's jeans

2009-07-22T04:08:00.004-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - After appearing at baseball's All-Star Game last week, President Obama was blasted for the high-waisted, baggy Levis he wore, which critics have dubbed his mom pants. This doesn't sound too bad after eight years of a president in his father's shoes.

Reality show pits Shaq against other star athletes

2009-07-21T05:27:00.004-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - Shaquille O’Neal will star in a new TV series where he'll challenge top athletes in their respective sports. Over the course of the show, O’Neal will take on Olympian Michael Phelps in swimming; Pittsburgh Steelers' Ben Roethlisberger in football and Los Angeles Dodgers' Manny Ramirez in developing a female reproductive system.

Airline passenger stung by scorpion during flight

2009-07-21T03:13:00.004-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - Southwest Airlines says during a recent flight a man was stung by a venomous scorpion. Facing possible death, poison from the passenger's wound needed to immediately be sucked out. Luckily he was sharing the flight with the starting line up for the New York Mets.

International Space Station's toilet breaks down

2009-07-20T04:48:00.006-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - NASA has said the crew of the International Space Station have been inconvenienced by the failure of the station's main toilet. Frustrating because the multi million dollar investment has gained a reputation of repeatedly breaking down - oh wait, that's Brett Favre.

The toilet had stopped working long before anticipated - OH WAIT, THAT'S SARAH PALIN!

150-pound Minn. cupcake sets Guinness record

2009-07-20T02:09:00.006-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - After setting the Guiness record with a cupcake weighing over 150 pounds, a company in Minneapolis announced plans to deliver the giant dessert to a pig farm. Also expected to appear on the pig farm: diabetes.

Paula Abdul not returning to American Idol

2009-07-19T13:52:00.019-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - Because of stalled contract negotiations, Paula Abdul will not be returning to American Idol. Upon hearing this, the crew member in charge of American Idol's closed captioning wildly back flipped into outer space.

Mystery 'goo' moving through sea

2009-07-17T18:50:00.005-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - Miles of the thick, dark, vicious slime had been spotted floating in the Arctic's Chukchi Sea. The Coast Guard wasn't able to immediately identify the slime, but said that it was mumbling something about having a new record label.

Microsoft to open retail stores

2009-07-16T20:55:00.006-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - Microsoft recently revealed its plans to open a chain of retail stores. The stores will be located where Microsoft users most frequent - the year 1997.

Microsoft recently revealed plans to open its own chain of stores to directly compete with Apple's. For those who wish to attend the Microsoft Store's grand opening, just look for the signs advertising the "Going Out of Business Sale"

Shopper charged $23 quadrillion for cigarettes

2009-07-16T00:37:00.004-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - A New Hampshire man swiped his debit card at a gas station to buy a pack of cigarettes and was charged over 23 quadrillion dollars. After hearing this amount, one New York City smoker asked "Were they having some sort of sale?"

Stealing lobsters gets New Jersey man four years

2009-07-15T07:08:00.004-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - An Atlantic City man was sentenced to four years in prison for stealing thousands of dollars worth of lobster from a casino. The judge said he wanted to give a harsher punishment, but possession is only nine-tenths of the claw.

Billboard claims Martin Luther King Jr. was a Republican

2009-07-14T22:35:00.005-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - Heated arguments broke out after a Houston-based Conservative group erected a billboard claiming that Martin Luther King Jr. was a Republican. Their evidence, he specifically mentioned it during a speech entitled "I Had a Horrible Dream"

"Jon & Kate Plus 8" star to launch his own clothing line

2009-07-14T07:04:00.022-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - After announcing the launch of his own brand of clothing, Jon of "Jon and Kate Plus 8" admitted an entire line wasn't his initial plan. First he expected to make only one shirt, then suddenly there were millions of them.

Kim Jong Il appearance spurs fresh health concerns

2009-07-10T00:23:00.004-04:00

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA - Witnesses have said North Korean leader Kim Jong Il's latest public appearance spurred theories that his health has worsened, adding he looked thin, weak and pale. Soon after the appearance, Kim Jong Il's tracks skyrocketed on iTunes.

Appearing thin and weak, North Korean leader Kim Jong Il's latest public surfacing confirmed theories that his health has worsened. Doctors have diagnosed him with a serious case of "Swine Fu".

"Three’s Company" star Joyce DeWitt arrested for DUI

2009-07-08T23:45:00.009-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - Joyce DeWitt who starred in the television series "Three’s Company", was arrested on Saturday after driving under the influence. While Dewitt received detailed instructions on how to blow into a breathalyzer, witnesses heard the faint sound of eyeballs bulging coming from the grave of Don Knotts.

Employee shot, wounded at Virginia Apple store

2009-07-08T03:34:00.004-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - Last week in Virginia, a frantic man entered through the rear of an Apple store and opened fire, wounding one employee. Police have yet to identify the suspect, but described him as 6' tall, medium build and having a signed head shot of Steve Jobs in place of his liver.

Irish airline to make passengers stand?

2009-07-07T04:08:00.011-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - Ryanair, Ireland’s low-cost airline, is considering a plan that would offer flights with standing-room only. Officials say inbound flights wont be an issue, it's finding passengers who can stand after departing Ireland that will be tough.

Gov. Sarah Palin announces resignation

2009-07-07T03:26:00.012-04:00

ANCHORAGE, Alaska - During a speech that was described as disjointed, Sarah Palin abruptly announced that she was resigning as Alaska's governor because she's received a "higher calling". Another effort in Palin's political career that have most simply calling her high.

Palin's lawyer said no personal scandal lies behind the resignation, but off-color jokes by talk-show host David Letterman contributed to her decision to step down. Letterman has since been offered a position on the Mousavi campaign.

Masses yearn to huddle in Liberty's reopened crown

2009-07-02T06:52:00.008-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - It was reported that after eight years, the Statue of Liberty's crown will be reopening this weekend. Lady Liberty's way of reminding us it's not only Argentine journalists who allow tourists inside of them.

Due to extremely tight security, only a specific number of people will be permitted into the crown every hour. The National Park Service assured visitor head count will be especially thorough - it will be overseen be Norm Coleman.

Man injured after using nail clippers to circumcise himself

2009-07-01T07:01:00.006-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - On Tuesday a British man had to be rushed to a hospital after circumcising himself with fingernail clippers. Surprisingly, this practice is not uncommon. Nail salons call it the "Formerly a man-icure"

The doctors said they may have been able to re-attach the foreskin, but unfortunately it has since been adopted by Madonna.

A man in England was hospitalized after drunkenly circumcising himself with fingernail clippers. In other news, England has just announced its female population has risen by one.

Man stabbed while sleepwalking

2009-06-25T04:55:00.014-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - A Kansas City man was stabbed Wednesday when his girlfriend allegedly tried to wake him from sleepwalking. The man survived the shocking attack, but sadly, his under ware did not.

On Wednesday night a man suffered a stab wound when his girlfriend allegedly tried to wake him from sleepwalking. Doctors say the man did not sustain fatal injuries, though he has developed Never-fall-asleep-without-covered-in-a-full-suit-of-armor Syndrome.

A 24-year-old Kansas City man suffered stab wounds to his face and shoulder Wednesday when his girlfriend allegedly tried to wake him from sleepwalking. The man did not sustain fatal injuries, but his under ware...well, they were entirely sustained.

Spector moves to California prison

2009-06-24T02:14:00.013-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - After his conviction in the shooting death of an actress, music producer Phil Spector has been assigned to a "sensitive needs facility" in a California prison. The facility houses ex-gang members, those with substance abuse problems and inmates whose mug shots have the power to scorch through any pair of eyelids.

NEW YORK, NY - After his conviction in the shooting death of an actress, firearm fanatic Phil Spector has been assigned to a medium security prison. As a medium security inmate, Spector can make some entertainment requests - he's asked that his cell include an iPod, fully loaded.

Pet Airways

2009-06-23T01:14:00.011-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - Beginning this July, a new airline will offer flights strictly for house pets. The airline's founder said the idea to transport dogs came to him while watching VH1's "Rock of Love Bus".

Steve Jobs Has Liver Replaced

2009-06-21T07:37:00.005-04:00

NEW YORK, NY - Due to a recent bout with cancer, Apple CEO Steve Jobs has reportedly undergone a liver transplant. As for his old, diseased liver, Apple has announced it will be packaging it under the name iPhone 3GS.

Arnold Schwarzenegger In Jet Drama

2009-06-21T00:45:00.006-04:00

LOS ANGELES, CA - While flying over Santa Monica, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's plane made an emergency landing as a result of a fire in the cockpit. Passengers weren't alarmed, California's jobless rate is so high someone screaming the word "Fire" has become routine.

Get well soon, Hillary

2009-06-18T02:35:00.008-04:00

On Wednesday afternoon, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton injured her elbow in a fall while heading into the White House. Coincidently, the last time there was an injured elbow in the White House it was during Bill's lonely nights following Lewinsky-gate.

Zicam Warning

2009-06-17T01:29:00.015-04:00

An important message from the Food and Drug Administration:

After numerous complaints, we here at the FDA must warn consumers about the potential health issues stemming from Zicam nasal cold remedy products. Recent studies have forced us to believe use of these products will lead to the loss of one's sense of smell. We have offered the makers a solution:

Zicam, exclusively found in the His and Her Gift Set from Paris Hilton Perfume.

"It's made from my butthole."

Lakers and Los Angeles

2009-06-16T05:15:00.009-04:00

Coping with our troubled economy, the city of Los Angeles was forced to depend on donors to fund its parade honoring the Lakers' championship win. In fact, money is so tight, during the post-game celebrations all rioters overturned were the hamburgers on the Wendy's night shift.

Weekend Update

2008-09-07T07:14:00.008-04:00

For the second consecutive season I've auditioned for a spot as a contributing writer on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update. For the second consecutive season I've failed.

Bask in my submission (a pun):

During the Democratic National Convention, Vice Presidential candidate Joe Biden criticized the Republican leadership stating, "The Bush-McCain foreign policy has dug us into a very deep hole." After hearing about this deep hole, President Bush demanded that an oil well be built over it.

Scientists have announced the recent finding of a giant, two-foot long clam that dates back tens of thousands of years. The new species of prehistoric clam was discovered by wardrobe personnel on Madonna's latest tour.

Critics have been challenging China on the age of certain members of its gymnastic team, claiming they're much younger than the nation had stated. In its defense, China fired back "If you were exposed to this much lead paint, you'd grow in slow-motion too."

A New Jersey man accused of making a fortune by pillaging hundreds of bodies sent to funeral homes and selling their parts to medical companies pleaded guilty Friday, admitting the stolen body parts were used in thousands of transplant surgeries. Patients should expect side effects ranging from dizziness to an urge to scream furiously around fire.

During a recent performance, singer Jessica Simpson admitted to fans that she passes gas often, adding "and I guarantee it smells like roses". In a related story, Baseball Hall of Famer Pete Rose said his farts smell exactly like "Simpson's".

Information on the mostly unknown Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin is beginning to trickle out. According to reports, she is a staunch, pro-life advocate and an avid fan of hunting - because nothing says you're pro-life quite like putting a bullet into a moose's skull.

Aaron Sorkin is in negotiations to write a film based on the creation of social networking site Facebook. Notorious for penning wordy dialogue, Sorkin has announced the lead role will be played by an actual book with a face painted on it.

On stage during the Democratic National Convention, Senator Obama accidentally kissed Joe Biden's wife on the lips. Ms. Biden apologized for getting in the way of the kiss, which was actually intended for Hillary Clinton's ass.

Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin confirmed that her 17-year-old daughter Bristol is five months pregnant, or as McCain campaign strategists called it: The Elephant in the Womb.

American Idol has added a fourth judge, songwriter Kara DioGuardi, an old friend of Paula Abdul. When asked where at the judge's table DioGuardi would sit, Abdul said she hopes next to her, adding "but we'll probably be separated by Simon or something." Also probably being separated by Simon: the beating heart from a human sacrifice. (ALT. the lettuce and tomato from a Big Mac)

Prior to announcing his plans to campaign alongside Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, John McCain stated in various interviews his interest in actor Wilfred Brimley as his potential running mate. If elected, their first order of business: Lower taxes on mustache rides.

After winning a gold medal in the Beijing Olympics, American gymnast Nastia Liukin will be getting her very own Wheaties box. Similarly, China announced they'll be placing the faces of their Gymnastic team on cans of baby formula.

Republicans have criticized Michael Moore's recent comments on Hurricane Gustav's possible disruption of the Republican National Convention, saying Gustav is "proof there is a God in Heaven". A powerful statement because Moore normally reserves those words to describe Subway's new five dollar footlongs.

Yankee's all star Alex Rodriguez recently arrived late for two separate games due to bouts with traffic on the Cross Bronx Expressway. In response, team manager Joe Girardi said, quote "I'm going to give him a better way to come". He was then presented with a high five and plaque from the "National Dirty Pun Association"

Residents of Hoschton, Georgia plan to build thousands of scarecrows and break the Guinness World Record for "Most Scarecrows in One Location" - A title which currently belongs to the cast of "Desperate Housewives"

Professional wrestling pioneer Killer Kowalski died early Saturday from the effects of a heart attack. Funeral arrangements will be handled by The Undertaker.