Tanning beds cause cancer as much as smoking

NEW YORK, NY - Cancer experts announced on Tuesday that they now consider tanning beds among the top cancer risks — about as lethal as arsenic, mustard gas or cigarettes. Tanning bed manufacturers are urged to refer to their product by its new name: tanning casket.

International cancer experts announced on Tuesday that they now consider tanning beds among the top cancer risks, about as lethal as cigarettes. Symptoms range from skin discoloration to tanner's cough.

International cancer experts announced on Tuesday that they now consider tanning beds among the top cancer risks. Sad, it looks like the Real House Wives of New York wont live to see 150.

Megan Fox overexposed: Aug. 4 boycott declared

NEW YORK, NY - Editors from many of the web's top magazines feel Megan Fox has become too over exposed and have sanctioned August 4th as Megan Fox media blackout day: no articles, no photos, not a bit of coverage. So in another words, a day in the life of Jermaine Jackson.

Driver tells Connecticut police snakes led to SUV crash

NEW YORK, NY - Police say a driver blamed an SUV crash in Connecticut on two baby snakes slithering near the gas and brake pedals, causing him to loose control. When questioned where the two baby snakes came from, the driver said they were included with the vehicle's GPSsssssssssssssss.

New poll: New York is tops for singles

NEW YORK, NY - A new online poll says out of the entire country the best place to find singles is New York City. Specifically the six-foot radius surrounding Jon Gosselin.

Michael Vick is a monster

NEW YORK, NY - It was revealed there is an interest in signing Michael Vick to the Washington Redskins, a team that hasn't won a Superbowl in 18 years. Redskins' management heard Vick had a "ring" and instantly began talks.

It looks like Michael Vick will soon have his hands back on the old pig skin - that's right, tomorrow he plans on checking himself for discolored moles.

Taser unveils new stun gun

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ - On Monday Taser unveiled its new model of stun gun, a device with the ability to shock multiple people simultaneously. They call it the "Britney Spears Two Years Ago"

Taser unveiled its new model of stun gun on Monday, a device with the ability to shock multiple people simultaneously - something unfamiliar to the producers of "Bruno".

Man charged with stealing eyeglasses

NEW YORK, NY - Police arrested a man after he entered three high-end shops with a gun and stole over 500 pairs of Prada and Gucci eye glasses. He said they were for his wife, a very materialistic potato.

iPhone app lets the forgetful bookmark their car

NEW YORK, NY - There's new iPhone app that helps users remember where they've parked their car. It has a special Lindsay Lohan feature that's just a slide show of various telephone poles.

Taco Bell Chihuahua passes away

NEW YORK, NY - Famed Chihuahua 'Gidget', who was featured in Taco Bell ads, passed away on Tuesday. She will be buried in between a Pizza Hut and a Long John Silvers.

Haa..just, haa.

"Not that I have fun with making the cuts -- they sadden me -- but ... that doesn't mean that you cannot wave a knife around, or to wave your sword around, to get the message across that certain cuts have to be made because it's budget time," Schwarzenegger said during the news conference.

Totally real.

Jackson Browne's copyright lawsuit with John McCain settled

NEW YORK, NY - Singer Jackson Browne has won his copyright infringement battle against Sen. John McCain for a pro-McCain web video that featured "Running On Empty", a hit for Browne recorded in the mid-70's - which also happened to be the age of McCain when the song was released.

Singer Jackson Browne has won a law suit against Sen. John McCain and the Republican Party for the unauthorized use of one of his songs in a McCain/Palin commercial. The case was entitled "Browne vs. Lack of Education"

Obama's jeans

NEW YORK, NY - After appearing at baseball's All-Star Game last week, President Obama was blasted for the high-waisted, baggy Levis he wore, which critics have dubbed his mom pants. This doesn't sound too bad after eight years of a president in his father's shoes.

Reality show pits Shaq against other star athletes

NEW YORK, NY - Shaquille O’Neal will star in a new TV series where he'll challenge top athletes in their respective sports. Over the course of the show, O’Neal will take on Olympian Michael Phelps in swimming; Pittsburgh Steelers' Ben Roethlisberger in football and Los Angeles Dodgers' Manny Ramirez in developing a female reproductive system.

Airline passenger stung by scorpion during flight

NEW YORK, NY - Southwest Airlines says during a recent flight a man was stung by a venomous scorpion. Facing possible death, poison from the passenger's wound needed to immediately be sucked out. Luckily he was sharing the flight with the starting line up for the New York Mets.

International Space Station's toilet breaks down

NEW YORK, NY - NASA has said the crew of the International Space Station have been inconvenienced by the failure of the station's main toilet. Frustrating because the multi million dollar investment has gained a reputation of repeatedly breaking down - oh wait, that's Brett Favre.

The toilet had stopped working long before anticipated - OH WAIT, THAT'S SARAH PALIN!

150-pound Minn. cupcake sets Guinness record

NEW YORK, NY - After setting the Guiness record with a cupcake weighing over 150 pounds, a company in Minneapolis announced plans to deliver the giant dessert to a pig farm. Also expected to appear on the pig farm: diabetes.

Paula Abdul not returning to American Idol

NEW YORK, NY - Because of stalled contract negotiations, Paula Abdul will not be returning to American Idol. Upon hearing this, the crew member in charge of American Idol's closed captioning wildly back flipped into outer space.

Mystery 'goo' moving through sea

NEW YORK, NY - Miles of the thick, dark, vicious slime had been spotted floating in the Arctic's Chukchi Sea. The Coast Guard wasn't able to immediately identify the slime, but said that it was mumbling something about having a new record label.

Microsoft to open retail stores

NEW YORK, NY - Microsoft recently revealed its plans to open a chain of retail stores. The stores will be located where Microsoft users most frequent - the year 1997.

Microsoft recently revealed plans to open its own chain of stores to directly compete with Apple's. For those who wish to attend the Microsoft Store's grand opening, just look for the signs advertising the "Going Out of Business Sale"

Shopper charged $23 quadrillion for cigarettes

NEW YORK, NY - A New Hampshire man swiped his debit card at a gas station to buy a pack of cigarettes and was charged over 23 quadrillion dollars. After hearing this amount, one New York City smoker asked "Were they having some sort of sale?"

Stealing lobsters gets New Jersey man four years

NEW YORK, NY - An Atlantic City man was sentenced to four years in prison for stealing thousands of dollars worth of lobster from a casino. The judge said he wanted to give a harsher punishment, but possession is only nine-tenths of the claw.

Billboard claims Martin Luther King Jr. was a Republican

NEW YORK, NY - Heated arguments broke out after a Houston-based Conservative group erected a billboard claiming that Martin Luther King Jr. was a Republican. Their evidence, he specifically mentioned it during a speech entitled "I Had a Horrible Dream"

"Jon & Kate Plus 8" star to launch his own clothing line

NEW YORK, NY - After announcing the launch of his own brand of clothing, Jon of "Jon and Kate Plus 8" admitted an entire line wasn't his initial plan. First he expected to make only one shirt, then suddenly there were millions of them.

Kim Jong Il appearance spurs fresh health concerns

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA - Witnesses have said North Korean leader Kim Jong Il's latest public appearance spurred theories that his health has worsened, adding he looked thin, weak and pale. Soon after the appearance, Kim Jong Il's tracks skyrocketed on iTunes.

Appearing thin and weak, North Korean leader Kim Jong Il's latest public surfacing confirmed theories that his health has worsened. Doctors have diagnosed him with a serious case of "Swine Fu".

"Three’s Company" star Joyce DeWitt arrested for DUI

NEW YORK, NY - Joyce DeWitt who starred in the television series "Three’s Company", was arrested on Saturday after driving under the influence. While Dewitt received detailed instructions on how to blow into a breathalyzer, witnesses heard the faint sound of eyeballs bulging coming from the grave of Don Knotts.

Employee shot, wounded at Virginia Apple store

NEW YORK, NY - Last week in Virginia, a frantic man entered through the rear of an Apple store and opened fire, wounding one employee. Police have yet to identify the suspect, but described him as 6' tall, medium build and having a signed head shot of Steve Jobs in place of his liver.

Irish airline to make passengers stand?

NEW YORK, NY - Ryanair, Ireland’s low-cost airline, is considering a plan that would offer flights with standing-room only. Officials say inbound flights wont be an issue, it's finding passengers who can stand after departing Ireland that will be tough.

Gov. Sarah Palin announces resignation

ANCHORAGE, Alaska - During a speech that was described as disjointed, Sarah Palin abruptly announced that she was resigning as Alaska's governor because she's received a "higher calling". Another effort in Palin's political career that have most simply calling her high.

Palin's lawyer said no personal scandal lies behind the resignation, but off-color jokes by talk-show host David Letterman contributed to her decision to step down. Letterman has since been offered a position on the Mousavi campaign.

Masses yearn to huddle in Liberty's reopened crown

NEW YORK, NY - It was reported that after eight years, the Statue of Liberty's crown will be reopening this weekend. Lady Liberty's way of reminding us it's not only Argentine journalists who allow tourists inside of them.

Due to extremely tight security, only a specific number of people will be permitted into the crown every hour. The National Park Service assured visitor head count will be especially thorough - it will be overseen be Norm Coleman.

Man injured after using nail clippers to circumcise himself

NEW YORK, NY - On Tuesday a British man had to be rushed to a hospital after circumcising himself with fingernail clippers. Surprisingly, this practice is not uncommon. Nail salons call it the "Formerly a man-icure"

The doctors said they may have been able to re-attach the foreskin, but unfortunately it has since been adopted by Madonna.

A man in England was hospitalized after drunkenly circumcising himself with fingernail clippers. In other news, England has just announced its female population has risen by one.