Call center breaks child labor laws

NEW YORK, NY - On Tuesday federal investigators cracked down on a multi-state call center company they said had broken child labor laws by employing children as young as 13 to man their phones. Authorities said they apprehended the company's CEO while he was traveling to a film festival in Switzerland.

TLC drops Jon and keeps Kate

LOS ANGELES, CA - TLC announced on Tuesday that "Jon & Kate Plus 8" will be continuing minus Jon Gosselin. Jon will still occasionally appear, the network added, "but only when he sneaks in pretending not to steal coke money."

A man's gripe with "Froot Loops"

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - A San Francisco man filed a lawsuit alleging that he ate boxes of Froot Loops for years based on his mistaken belief the cereal contained fruit. He's also suing makers of Frankenberry because the cereal doesn't actually include contents from an enormous monster's nutsack.

Palin's upcoming memoir gets a title

NEW YORK, NY - Sarah Palin's publisher, HarperCollins, announced on Tuesday the title of Palin's eagerly awaited memoir will be "Going Rogue: An American Life." HarperCollins said it was a strong toss up between that and the other potential title: "Winkin' Like a Stroke Victim"

Poland backs chemical castration

WARSAW, POLAND - On Friday a court in Poland approved a law allowing chemical castration to be used as a form of punishment. Ironic because Poland is a country well known for its Spring.

Donald Fisher, Gap co-founder, dies

NEW YORK, NY - Donald Fisher, co-founder of the clothing chain Gap, died on Sunday at the age 81. Keeping with the spirit of Gap, Fisher will be laid to rest the traditional way, and then again by some snobby Gap store employee.

Glenn Beck gets key to hometown city

NEW YORK, NY - On Sunday, Glenn Beck received a ceremonial key to the city from the mayor of his hometown while hundreds of protesters picketed the event. According to one protester, many angry locals feel Beck has taken an unfortunate turn for the worst since releasing "Mellow Gold"

Iran's police warn shops against curvy mannequins

TEHRAN, IRAN - As a part of a government campaign against Western influence, Iranian police warned shopkeepers this week against using mannequins that expose body curves. This has forced Iranians to create what they call a "Curve less Mannequin" - or for those living outside of Iran, a two by four.

Justin Timberlake cast in Fincher film

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Justin Timberlake landed a role in the new film from driector David Fincher, a perfectionist notorious for putting his actors through long shoot days. After given the schedule, Timberlake said the only other time he's seen something that long it belonged to Janet Jackson and had a nipple on the end of it.

MIT students create Facebook ‘gaydar’

NEW YORK, NY - Two MIT students are conducting an experiment to support claims they can tell a person is gay based on their Facebook profile. The number one sign? At the top of the profile are the words "Hello, I'm Kanye West."

Kevin Federline to join VH1's 'Celebrity Fit Club'

HOLLYWOOD, CA - VH1 confirmed the addition of Kevin Federline to the cast of this season's Celebrity Fit Club, which also includes contestant Bobby Brown. Upon hearing the news, a confused Bobby Brown said, "Federlines? That's the way I got Whitney to first ingest cocaine!"

White cop told cornrows break work rules

PHILADELPHIA, PA - A white Philadelphia cop was taken off the street and regulated to desk duty after reporting to work with his hair in cornrows. According to a superior, the white cop in cornrows was offered another punishment, but was uncomfortable with traveling through time to sing for The Offspring.

Octomom Nadya Suleman enjoys yoga

NEW YORK, NY - Octomom Nadya Suleman was spotted recently in the park near her home practicing yoga stretches. Octomom explained she's currently taking a class on stretching led by quite an experienced teacher - HER UTERUS.

Dick Cheney has back surgery

WASHINGTON DC - Former Vice President Dick Cheney underwent back surgery at a Washington D.C. hospital on Thursday. Doctors said the procedure went well considering Cheney's was the first spine ever to require quadruple bypass surgery.

Facebook user numbers jump wildly

NEW YORK, NY - Facebook announced it's reached milestone this week with its user base jumping to more than 300 million. Soon after Facebook made its announcement, Myspace also had something to say, which was..something about a birthday reminder? I don't know, it's in my spam box.

Lehman Brothers one year later

NEW YORK, NY - This week marks the one-year anniversary of banking firm Lehman Brothers' collapse. To honor the fall of the company, the former Lehman Brothers CEO requested a moment of silence - a request that was unfortunately denied by his manager at KFC.

Former Bush speechwriter offers a raw look into the White House

NEW YORK, NY - Crown Publishers announced they'll be releasing a book written by the former speech writer for President George W. Bush. Crown added they wanted to send Bush's former speech writer out on a promotional tour, but traveling is tough for a stack of boxes randomly falling onto a typewriter.

Traffic camera capture Alice Cooper

PHOENIX, AZ - Classic rock singer Alice Cooper was fined after he was caught by Phoenix traffic cameras driving 59 in a 45-mph zone. Wikipedia said they'll add this startling new info to Alice Cooper's page just as soon as someone creates one.

Panel recommends 3-level alerts for terror

NEW YORK, NY - After a review of the nation's terror alert system, a special task force recommended the new administration keep the color coded alerts, but reduce the number of colors. The three colors of the new terror alert system are: red, yellow and for sitcom fans, Jaleel White.

House gets ready to vote on Joe Wilson

WASHINGTON, DC - The House will vote Tuesday on a resolution that could potentially expel Rep. Joe Wilson, the South Carolina Republican who yelled "you lie" during President Barack Obama's health-care speech to Congress. According to reports, last time a Wilson was tossed from the house this abruptly, some vollyball angered Tom Hanks in "Castaway"

Rep. Joe Wilson on potential punishment

WASHINTON, DC - In addressing pending disciplinary steps against him by the House, South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson issued a written statement days after screaming "You lie!" during the President's speech to congress. Wilson's is the first written statement in history to give those reading tinnitus.

Iraqi shoe thrower's release from jail delayed

BAGHDAD, IRAQ - The family of the Iraqi reporter jailed for throwing his shoes at former President George W. Bush says that due to paperwork issues, the man wont be released on Monday as planned, but instead on Tuesday. The family said it will stage a sit-in protest outside the base Tuesday until he is released - or, in other words just wait out in the parking lot since they're already there.

Neighbors irked Kansas City home painted orange

KANSAS CITY, KANSAS - Some residents of a Kansas City neighborhood said they are concerned about the property value of their homes dropping after one of their neighbors painted his house an obnoxiously bright Orange color. "That place don't look half bad!" shouted the skin of George Hamilton.

1 out of 10 New Yorkers have had swine flu

NEW YORK, NY - According to new research, one in ten New Yorkers have been infected with swine flu since earlier this year - while the other nine only smell like they've had it.