Matt Says...

From the desk of Charles Bronson:

Well hi ladies! I'd like to wish you all a happy St. Rosenberg's Day. I bet you forgot it was StRbg's day, didn't you? In my house we celebrate by watching Mr. Mom, with its strong Rosenbergian themes of gender role chaos and midlife crises, you know?

Billy's shaving in my bathroom right now. Do you know what's under his beard? Another beard. He better not leave his facepubes in my sink or else.

I just gave my kits a burlap pouch of catnip. They drooled all over it, threw it under the couch, and fell asleep. Have you ever met Billy's cat Gene Wilder? Such a monster. Cat sliced my hand just because I kept tapping him on the head with Billy's rolled up 40 Days and 40 Nights poster. If Gene Wilder was a Brooklyn girl he'd be pasty and chain smoking and wearing a t-shirt that says all glittery, "I'm Just Mean All The Time For No Reason."

I also have a lottery ticket story that's too boring to tell here.

Speaking of lottery, I have a ghost in my building. He's the ghost of an unemployed old Polish man who died in 1937. His name is Kosjyka and he spits tobacco on the floor and says things like "Woooooooo is dere any place ta gabmle here in Greenpernt?" and "Only fags use umbrellers." When I ask how I'm supposed to avenge his death he tells me to go shit in my hat.

Billy's beard is so bushy that it would take over 45 of Hitler's mustaches to replace.

It's expected to reach a record breaking 95 degrees in New York City this afternoon

-It's so hot in New York City, gasoline is now available in three choices: leaded, unleaded and Slurpee.
(pee)
-It's so hot, Yankees manager Joe Torre announced the recent addition to his team, Ice Cube.
(vomit)
-Because of soaring summer heat, the temperature of the East River has gone up immensely. Always the resource conscious corporation, Starbucks is now serving the river's water as their own "House Blend"
(lose consciousness)
-As a result of record high temperatures, a sweat-soaked Donald Trump was reportedly seen in the middle of Times Square screaming "You're fired!" directly towards the sun.
(awaken, vomit twice more)
-The heat is so intense, Mayor Bloomberg has raised the Terror Threat Level to Orange Drink.
(suddenly bleed from the knees)
-It's so hot, the prostitutes are offering discounts to anyone with the last name "Softee"
(choke, cough up three spiders)
-New York City's humidity is so high, it's impossible to label any of the proceeding jokes as dry. You bike seat-dented butthole, you.

Topical, pop culture humor! It's almost like it's the same joke over and over....and over.

I caught Jim Belushi's "The Principal" on television recently..

hence my absence from this blog this past week.

I'm doing stand-up this Thursday night.

My friend Brandon is putting together a new, late-night show in the East Village. Stand-up, sketch and improv. Good, good and gooooo...

Thursday, June 22nd 11pm
The Den (under Two Boots Video)
44 Avenue A, corner of 3rd
New York, NY

Some cool clips from the cult favorite, Michael O'Donahue project "Mr. Mike's Mondo Video"

Swimming Lessons For Cats (wouldn't even get beyond the pitch stage in today's world)


Video Opening (featuring Dan Aykroyd's webbed feet)


Out of Context Q & A, plus more


And more, and more

There are not many things I know about David Lynch

...but I do know this, while a guy standing in line behind me at the Franklin Corner Store proceeds to make an inaudible joke about said Mr. Lynch, in the process, he'll inevitably end up spitting on my elbow.

Now, please allow me to re-cap the topics covered in this post using the only images I've collected throughout my entire existance:

What's worse than a person whistiling?

A person who attempts to whistle, but misses. It creates this noise that's all fuzz-filled, airy and annoying. Stop whistling. Hit or miss, just stop.

Unless of course you're Axl Rose in the song "Patience" (rumor has it, if one were to listen closely, they could actually hear the faint sound of Axl's future braids gently caressing against the in-studio mic. Time traveling hair? Those thick, red locks are powerful.)

Legendary stories of cinematic accomplishment.

"Santa Poop" featuring the voices of Kristen Wiig and Jason Sudeikis.

FACT: This 1986 holiday film cost a record-shattering 173 million dollars to produce, raking in nearly triple that its opening weekend. Amazing and true.

And the number one sign you're being haunted by a lame ghost..

1. He takes off Halloween to avoid seeming too ironic.

Booooo! Boo. Ick. It's a little too early in the year for spirit-humor. To quote a ghost I had the chance to interview a couple of month ago, "The summer? It's too hot to haunt."

Yes, he smelled like lightening.

Motion Activated Toilets

A fan I am not. They're worthless and flush at the worst possible times. While I'm sitting?! Unacceptable. The harsh, sprays of porcelain juice they create should be arrested. Throughout this past week I've been battling this one, specific toilet, through gritted teeth referring to it as "you mother fucker" four times, "son of a bitch, asshole" twice, and "white trash!" at least thirty, forty times. Still, I'm abused by its cockness.

To every motion activated toilet out there, I say this:
1. You've done your job capturing my urine and feces, I'll take it from here.
2. You're never going to be human, so stop trying to act cool.
3. I hope someone pours wet cement in your mouth. I mean, your bowl (not human).

Gruesome.

Peripheral, for real.

While at a bar the other night, out of the corner of my eye I thought I'd seen a person dancing furiously. Excited, I turned to look and realized it was just some guy who was struggling to put on his jacket. Annnnnnnnd everybody cut, everybody cut.

Bill Murray fills in for Harry Carey

Murray is given free reign over the booth during a Cubs/Expos game @ Wrigley, April '87 (Scrooged-era!) His quick wit really shines during this live broadcast. Find the entire series of clips here.

True, romantic television.

A sufficient crash course in the early stages of comedy's heart and soul, Late Night TV (narrated by Conan O'Brien)

Constipation make angry.

Sean Penn doing a spot-on impression of the complete opposite state of my bowels are currently are in.

Nice work, Penn. Hilarious. Now prepare to solve your own strange murder (ie. is that my daughter in there)

Bob and Ray on Saturday

Recently, some high-class Youtube user posted a cache of clips from Bob and Ray's episode of Saturday Night Live (6/9/07 Update: these are actually from a television special entitled "Bob and Ray, Jane, Laraine and Gilda"...mine bad). View the entire list.

Here's my personal favorite from the lot, the short film "Start Your Own Business"

Once upon a New York City..

I'm reading the Bill Carter penned book "The Late Shift" and came across tons of interesting tidbits. Apparently, back in the early 90's when David Letterman had just signed on with CBS, there was a definite possibility The Late Show was going to relocate to Burbank. Because he felt it would've had a negative effect on New York City's entertainment stance, Mayor David Dinkins expressed in many, many interviews the importance of Letterman remaining in the East, dropping one of the best, most absurd lines ever. He said he would do almost anything to keep Letterman from leaving, including "doing back flips off my eyebrows."

EYEBROWS!

A bunch of old guys dying in 1990..

Mr. Warmth!

Billy Nord: ..and you see, that's when I wrote my first joke. The next year, when I turned four, I accidentally fell into a vat of vampire blood. Ha, just kidding! What? But yeah, when I turned four..

Don Rickles: (the uninterupted sound of cutting wood)

I have a cold.

Sometimes...

Greenpoint can smell exactly like a couple of old people took a crap.