Disney to buy comic book powerhouse Marvel for $4B

LOS ANGELES, CA - The Walt Disney Co. said Monday it is buying Marvel Entertainment Inc. for $4 billion. The two plan to cross promote - whenever there's a death on the pages of a Marvel comic, it'll be set exclusively during a Disney World stunt show.

Jenna Bush joins "Today" show

LOS ANGELES, CA - Former President George W. Bush's daughter, Jenna Bush, announced this week she'll be joining the cast of NBC's "Today" show. She'll be taking the position of National Slow Fathers Correspondent.

Critics want Ikea to go back to the Futura

STOCKHOLM - Ikea, the Swedish furniture chain, said fans have been complaining about the company's decision to change its catalog font after 50 years from Futura to Verdana. Though Ikea does feel it was better than its first choice: the I'm Only Going To Attempt To Put This Dresser Together Two More-Times New Roman.

'Jon & Kate' star Kate Gosselin to sit in on 'The View'

NEW YORK, NY - Jon & Kate Plus 8's Kate Gosselin is scheduled to sit in for Elizabeth Hasselbeck on The View - while Jon is scheduled to have sex with her.

Picasso's "The Naked Woman" recovered in Iraq

NEW YORK, NY - Missing for many years, a Pablo Picasso painting entitled "The Naked Woman" was recently unearthed by security officials in Iraq. "The Naked Woman" was discovered while it was receiving a 10 year prison sentence for public indecency.

Watermelon juice, the next source of energy

NEW YORK, NY - A new study finds that fractured watermelons could easily be used to create fuel for vehicles and eventually may replace oil. Exxon Mobil have since announced a multi billion dollar merger with funnyman Gallagher.

General Motors dropping logo from all vehicles

DETROIT, MI - A spokesman for General Motors said they'll soon be dropping the steel "GM" logo from all of their vehicles. Adding "Well, not so much 'dropping' as 'kind of just falling off.'"

Newly declassified CIA documents

NEW YORK, NY - On Monday, President Obama released newly declassified CIA documents detailing the Bush administration's policy of capturing suspected terrorists and interrogating them in overseas prisons. Each page had the words "USE LIGHTNING" scribbled across the center, and had a slight odor of buckshot.

Jessica Biel dangerous for web surfers

WASHINGTON, DC - A tech security company reported that online searches for actress Jessica Biel have a one-in-five chance of ending up at a Web site designed to infect one's computer. Providing Mountain Dew-encrusted lips a one-in-five trillion chance to say the words "Jessica Biel gave me a virus."

Golf groundskeeper finds 10-pound mammoth tooth

NEW YORK, NY - A Michigan groundskeeper recently unearthed an extremely rare, ten pound mammoth tooth on the golf course where he works. Rare because golf courses have only seen teeth that large on a Tiger.

Latest budget deficit $2 trillion higher

WASHINGTON, DC - On Monday the Obama administration announced they will be facing a budget deficit two-trillion dollars higher than expected. The reason: Joe Biden's discovery of the new two-trillion song iPod.

Japan’s Nikkei jumps on U.S. homes, commodities

TOKYO, JAPAN - Bloomburg reported today that Japanese stocks rose, lifting the Nikkei 225 Stock Average to its biggest jump in some time. Nikkei hasn't seen this kind of success since it created the Air Jordans.

Obama approves new US interrogation team

NEW YORK, NY - President Obama recently approved the creation of an elite, thorough team of interrogators to question key terrorism suspects. The team is currently being assembled during very intense interviews, or what we know them as: town hall meetings.

Happy Birthday, Google!

NEW YORK, NY - Last week Google celebrated a milestone when the world's number one search engine turned five. The five year old engine was then immediately traded in as part of the Cash For Clunkers plan.

Ohio man finds possible Lincoln note

SOUTH AMHERST, OHIO - Experts were asked to analyze a note an Ohio man found at a flea market believing it to have belonged to Abraham Lincoln. It turns out, it was a five-dollar bill.

Michael Jackson movie premiers October 28th

NEW YORK, NY - According to Sony Pictures, the film about Michael Jackson's final three months will be a limited engagement, running in theaters worldwide for two weeks only. It will then be liquefied and injected into the butt cheek of every creature on Earth.

Starbucks boosts prices on beverages

NEW YORK, NY - Beginning today, Starbucks Corp. will raise prices on the majority of their beverages by as much as thirty cents. Bringing the new cost of a large cup of coffee to six billion dollars.

Officials may recommend 3 flu shots

NEW YORK, NY - Because of the strength of the H1N1 flu virus, the nation's top health officials have warned the public that they may need as many as three shots. "We're way ahead of you" said the Minnesota Vikings.

Celine Dion pregnant

NEW YORK, NY - Singer Celine Dion said her latest pregnancy involved using an embryo that had been frozen for eight years. In other words, Celine Dion plans to release her version of "Ice, Ice, Baby".

iPhones under examination

NEW YORK, NY - Authorities said they'll be examining the safety of Apple iPhones after several of the devices have exploded. Apple announced it plans to market the potentially explosive iPhone under it's new name: The Fourth of July-Phone.

Large percentage of US money found to have traces of cocaine

NEW YORK, NY - A study by the University of Massachusetts has found that roughly 90 percent of banknotes contain traces of cocaine - confirming the familiar expression "money talks...and talks and talks and talks."

JetBlue launches all-you-can-fly deal

NEW YORK, NY - JetBlue has launched a new promotion that allows ticket buyers unlimited flights for 30 days. 30 days on an airplane? Sounds like the business model of Continental.

'Winnie the Pooh' pulls bank job in Chicago

NEW YORK, NY - On Friday, a Chicago bank was robbed by a man police say wore a sweatshirt which featured a picture of Winnie the Pooh. On the note the man handed the bank teller "money" was spelled "M-U-N-N-Y", and he demanded all of it.

Mona Lisa attacked

PARIS, FRANCE - French police say an angry assailant threw a mug at the Mona Lisa, which was fortunately locked behind bullet proof glass. After hearing the Mona Lisa was locked up, Bill Clinton was immediately on a flight over to free her.

Brooks & Dunn break-up

NEW YORK, NY - After 20 years together, multi-platinum music duo Brooks & Dunn announced they will be breaking up. Industry insiders said they haven't seen a split this huge since the day K-Fed decided to try on a pair of his old jeans.

GM teams up with EBay to sell cars online

NEW YORK, NY - In an attempt to boost vehicle sales, cash-strapped GM announced it will be teaming up with EBay. The name of the new partnership: Guantanamo Bay.

Aeromith's Steven Tyler falls offstage

NEW YORK, NY - During a recent concert, Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler fell off the stage, landing on top of audience members. Tyler survived the fall, but the audience members instantly died of syphilis.

Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler suffered injuries in a fall from the stage at a recent concert. Audience members said they took one look at Tyler and thought he was a goner – and that was 45 minutes before he fell.

LIRR engineer arrested for letting passenger drive train

NEW YORK, NY - A Long Island Rail Road engineer and a passenger he let drive his train were arrested Wednesday for endangering passengers' lives. The engineer said he would have stayed behind the trains controls, but a cell phone battery does not charge itself.

World Breast Feeding Week begins

NEW YORK, NY - The 20th annual World Breastfeeding Week began Saturday, celebrating the public display of breast feeding across 120 countries. All of which have their own translation of the phrase "What's going on over on that park bench, AHHGAH!"

Texting, talking NY trucker hits pool

NEW YORK, NY - Police say a New York tow truck driver crashed into a swimming pool while driving, texting on one cell phone and talking on another. Or as most railway operators call it: driving.

Organizers plan Vick celebration in hometown

NEW YORK, NY - Community organizers in Michael Vick's Virginia hometown are planning a day centered around the former quarterback with an event dubbed The Michael Vick Community Celebration. Or as the rest of America call it, September 11th.