Epic, man. Epic.

Dear Garfield,

Stop acting like you got obligations.

Sincerely,
The Planet, The Galaxy and Every Molecule Ever

The opening line of my sales pitch for a new brand of metal throat tube/satellite radio receiver..

"Dammit"

Hi Georgia, Georgia Here..

From: Georgia Pack
Subject: Georgia Pack wrote:

hi Georgia i hope this is your e-mail.
I was like to see you the other day. I expect you was excited about New York.
So much so much happening all the time, lots of great opportunities.
And speaking of opportunities, the deal I was speaking you about day before included a company
named Tex-Homa (TXHE).
It's already lift up, but the big info isn't even
out yet, so there's still time. I have got this shares already and made
2000. I counsel you to do the same today.

Hope this helps you out. I'll see you this weekend.
Yours Georgia Pack

An ideal Halloween costume

My head in the center of a giant calendar turned to November
the first day of the month circled in thick, red marker.
When someone asks what I am
I'll say all arrogantly
“The Future"

And then that particular someone will turn into a hurricane (cause that's how they're made, I think)

I ain't afraid of no ghosts.

(I am however, petrified of using proper English)

Welcome to an interesting fact I overheard in Chinatown this afternoon

"73% of the Earth's smog is caused by a foot disease only wolfmen can develop."

Case Closed, You All.

WILLMINGTON, Delaware – Dir. of the Office of Homeland Security Tom Ridge alongside local police chief William Hamm held a press conference yesterday addressing the latest information on the newly dubbed Cave Creep. Ridge stated, “Despite our initial reports, we now have strong evidence indicating Cave Creep’s tits are in fact, fake.”

Mr. Game Snow

This guy eats cocaine. He also photographs you while you're dancing.

BARRY MANILOW - "I Write The Songs..."

I've been alive forever
And I wrote the very first song
I put the words and the melodies together
I am music
And I write the songs

[Chorus:]
I write the songs that make the whole world HOuu..uhgggggha!
I write the songs of love and special mmmyyuuuuuvuh!
I write the songs that make the young girls zznuuuuuanananVUH!
I write the songs, I write the songs

My home lies deep within you
And I've got my own place in your soul
Now when I look out through your eyes
I'm young again, even tho' I'm very old

I write the songs that make the whole world AHHHHHHHHHH!!
I write the songs of love and special HUMMunnnananaan-zot
I write the songs that make the young girls muuuufedtt
I write the songs, I write the songs

Oh, my music makes you dance and gives you spirit to take a chance
And I wrote some rock 'n roll so you can move
Music fills your heart, well that's a real find place to start
It's from me, it's for you
It's from you, it's for me
It's a worldwide symphony

I write the songs that make the whole world HEeeuhhhhguhHUWW!
I write the songs of love and special bafooooka
I write the songs that make the young girls garGGRARG
I write the songs, I write the songs

I write the songs that make the whole world NOOYEREW
I write the songs of love and special Gagyuuhit
I write the songs that make the young girls hmmmmmSWUUHYTE!
I write the songs, I write the songs

I am music and I write the songs

Sender: Ticketmaster

Subject: Don't miss "The Marine" & WWE RAW present: The DX Reunion Tour!

Thank you for the email, Ticketmaster. Really, it's like you know what I'm thinking. And what I need. It almost makes me regret the fact I have to pour lava all over your office sometime in the near future. Or yesterday.

hey, here's an idea!

shave your beard and remind yourself how much you lack a chin! ok?

You don't know?

The New York City subway system smells like the business end of a butthole. All day. Every day.

David Johansenmenvenbenden

Ok. I really must say I'm taken aback quite a bit right now. I'd just found out this guy:


Is the same exact person as this guy:


And this guy is the same as the two above:

The guy driving the cab.

July 4th, 1776

All I'm saying is have a happy long weekend!

I'm also saying, in the trailer for Superman Returns, a bullet is flattened by Superman's eyeball...if that's not independence then I don't care to know what is.

Sup Brah?

I'm taking a break from web logging. Until then, you should listen to to AM radio while pooping.


p.s. I shared an elevator with Harvey Keitel last Monday morning. Talk about holy shit (seriously, I want you to discuss holy shit)

The New York Stock Exchange

silence erupting into complete chaos.

simultaneous, indecipherable screaming.

over-sized confetti strewn about the floor.

ALL ELEMENTS THAT WOULDN'T BE OUT OF PLACE AT FRANKENSTEIN'S SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTY.

Drunk Posting..

went to Union Pool...some dude with a pony tail felt the urge to sit at our table...told him my friend unha didn't speak english..he proceeded to be a mother fucker...unha told the guy to get away..ummmmwent to the bathroom and came back..the guy was there, he was threatening eric...said something along the lines of "i'll burry you under six feet of soil" eric said "with what"" ponytail said "my ass." went to another bar..drunk..played boston on the peter gabriel on the jukebox...when leaving girl bartender told me to hide my drink in my coat instead of wasting it. drunk...went and got french fries..drunk. home waiting for tater tots. drunk.
here's a picture of my steve martin poster.

Today is my friend Max's birthday

He's very funny and apologizes for his farts minutes before they occur.

Here's a photo of him from our most recent trip to Utah.
(note the hat constructed out of paper mache' and three gallons of gasoline)
UPDATE: MAX'S BIRTHDAY ISN'T UNTIL NEXT WEDNESDAY. APPARENTLY HE'S ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO CELEBRATE THE WEEKEND PRIOR INSTEAD OF THE DAY OF. KIND OF LIKE THEY DO ON NEPTUNE. THE PLANET.

9:41 on a Saturday night and I'm watching All The Presidents Men.

You know, I actually kind of met Dustin Hoffman once. At a Devendra Banhart/Bunnybrains show. I didn't talk to him though. But I digress. This movie is amazing. Bob Woodward (Robert Redford) and Deep Throat were just discussing G. Gordon Liddy's bizarre behavior:

WOODWARD
What's the whole thing about--do you
know?

DEEP THROAT
What I know, you'll have to find out
on your own.

WOODWARD
Liddy--you think there's a chance
he'll talk?

DEEP THROAT
Talk? Once, at a gathering, he put
his hand over a candle. And he kept
it there. He kept it right in the
flame until his flesh seared. A woman
who was watching asked, "What's the
trick?" And he replied. "The trick
is not minding."

WOODWARD
He sounds like a huge faggot.

DEEP THROAT
Enormous.