Cinema's best escalation scene. Ever.

Weekend Update.

This season, I tried out as a contributing writer for Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update. I did not make it. Here are some jokes.



According to a new report from paleontologists, two
molars that are over 60,000 years old show that Neanderthals
may have used objects to clean their teeth. After the
discovery, researchers returned the X-rays to Larry King's
dentist as promised.

The Academy of Television, Arts and Sciences said
that Kathy Griffin's use of the "c-word" during a
speech at the creative arts Emmys last weekend would
be edited out when it's broadcast on E! The offending
"c-word" occurred when she referred to herself as
"creative".

Last week, a repossession crew in Illinois was
caught off guard when a young boy leaped out of a
sports utility vehicle they were towing away. Said a
surprised crew member, "I didn't even know the vehicle
was pregnant."

An artist in Boston is attempting to bring back
smell-o-vision with screenings of Willy Wonka and the
Chocolate Factory. During the film, she'll create the
aromas of blueberry pie, banana taffy and even more
impressive, dwarf exploitation.

A new rule in New York City requires fast-food restaurants to post
calorie counts on their menus. As a result, McDonald's
has removed their current menu and replaced it with an
electronic ticker.

China signed an agreement Tuesday to prohibit the
use of lead paint on toys exported to the United
States. This is great news for Classic Rock stations
across America whose growing demand to "Get The Led
Out" is finally seeing results.

A town council in Germany has decided that the best
way to improve road safety is to remove all traffic
lights and stop signs downtown. That's right, you can
watch wacky decisions like this made all fall on the
new CBS show, Kid Nation: Germany

The Russian military has successfully tested what
it's described as the world's most powerful
non-nuclear, air-delivered bomb. In a related story,
Starbucks opened its first shop in Russia last
Thursday.

It was announced that Jennifer Hudson will star in
the upcoming Sex and the City movie. She'll portray
the doctor who informs each character they have
Syphilis.

In an effort to get people to stop smoking in
China, a new rule requires cigarette packs to have
blackened teeth and diseased lungs printed on them.
For the benefit of vision-impaired smokers, the
cigarettes themselves will be replaced by actual blackened
teeth and diseased lungs.

Kanye West has stated he was upset because MTV did
not ask him to open the Video Music Awards. Also upset
for not being asked to take part in the show’s open:
Britney Spears’ sobriety.

Paris Hilton is suing a greeting card company for
using her likeness and "That's Hot" phrase without
permission. Also involved in a lawsuit, the words
"that's" and "hot" for being associated with the
likeness of Paris Hilton.

It was announced that Japan's Ochi Yosuke won the
Air Guitar World Championship for the second
consecutive year. Unfortunately, his title was taken
away after he tested positive for air steroids.

It was reported that the New England Patriots may
be punished for breaking league rules by video taping
defensive signals on the opposing team's sideline
during last Sunday's game. A spokesman for the NFL
said they haven't seen something this low-down since
catching a glimpse of Janet Jackson's nipple.

b

bac

sn.

love,
billy

How I Spent My Sumuuahau

Me Home.

"Pacman" Jones prepares new project

NASHVILLE, Tenn. - It was announced this week that former Tennessee Titans cornerback "Pacman" Jones plans to release his own hip hop album, beginning with the first single "Let it Shine". Jones, who was suspended by the NFL this season due to an over whelming amount of fight-related arrests, promised the song to be a huge hit. Authorities heard about this hit and out of sheer habit, maced Jones and took him into custody.

Excuse me, deranged serial killer of a next door neighbor? Could we have a word?

If my memory serves correct, I'm certain I'd asked you to cease from leaving these discarded severed heads on my front lawn. Now, I can be a jerk about this and make a phone call to John Sently, head of our condo committee. But, I really prefer to be civil and keep it between you and I. So, do we have an understanding..
OWWWWW!! OH MY GOD, GET IT OFF! UGGGGUUUSH!! AHHUGH!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

R.I.P.

Welcome to Hooters!

NEW YORK, NY - This summer, select Hooters restaurants will feature Menus That Talk, an electronic device that describes food choices at the touch of a button. This is great news for Hooters' main clientele, who would prefer to keep the print menu where it belongs: hiding their enormous, gory erections.

Favorite Flavor Flav Roast Jokes...

Recently, a very beautiful Patton Oswalt asked me to submit some jokes to him for his upcoming appearance on Comedy Central's Roast of Flavor Flav. Unfortunately, none of mine made the cut. Here are a bunch of my favorite rejects, please hen-joy! (unnecessary poultry-related pun?)



Flavor Flav is a living legend, he's been around for as long as I can remember. He's so old, his first single was distributed overseas by the Santa Maria.

Flavor Flav is so old, his first clock was Stonehenge.

Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielsen's relationship fizzled out almost as fast as it began. The only thing that had a more abrupt ending was the list of recognizable credits on Katt Williams IMDB page.

But, I have to be honest, I really don't know too much about their relationship. The Surreal Life is about as appealing to me as the sound of a condom wrapper opening is to the ears of Flavor Flav.

Flavor should think about a fla-vasectomy.

When your penis has pulled out less than our troops in Iraq, then it's about time to shut it down.

Because of the overwhelming amount of attractive, successful black men here tonight, Lisa Lampanelli's vagina just checked into rehab due to dehydration.

Carrot Top, or as I'd like to call him, the David Gest of comedy.

Carrot Top, what are you doing with your face? And that make up? Come on, the description given to the sketch artist involved in John Wayne Gacy's case was less disturbing.

I've seen less make-up on Predator.

Less powder has been metabolized by the body of Robin Williams.

Carrot Top, what's with this new physique? It looks like you fell on top of a land mine filled with steroids.

The word "mussel" hasn't made me dry heave this much since getting the stomach flu at Red Lobster.

Ice-T is here, star of Special Victims Unit. Wait, isn't that what Brigitte Nielsen nicknamed her vagina after having sex with Flavor Flav?

Ice-T released the song "Cop Killer", which was later banned by censors claiming it was too violent towards police. After seeing Ice-T's portrayal of a cop on Law & Order, those same censors have since deemed the song as not violent enough.

Jimmy Kimmel is hosting a new game show called "Set For Life". The first contestant? Sarah Silverman the second she began dating Jimmy Kimmel.

Three murders captured live on film.

Rest in peace..

I'll tell you what confusion is.

Confusion is the sight of a man in the subway terminal, simultaneously yawning while running full speed. That very scene was witnessed by me yesterday afternoon, and it made the top of my skull itch.

Yawning plus running full speed...add a few bags of cash, score it with The Zombies "This Will Be Our Year" and you could have the opening scene to the worst heroin-addicted- Olympic-athlete-turned-bank-robber drama ever.

You know what else is confusing? Lindsey Lohan actually having ability to understand the proper use of gravity and not accidentally hovering up into the Earth's atmosphere. Her body is made up of twenty trillion tiny, cocaine-dusted question marks. Each with their own pack of Camel non-filters.


"We have noting to do with this post."

I know, fellas. I know.

Charlie Kaufman

...he gonna take out your brain, flip the inside up over the outside, kiss it, set it in some NYC street-snow and then reinsert it backwards.

I present to you, the poster for Kaufman's upcoming Synecdoche, New York
(click to read an interesting article from the LA Times)

The Lamp. The Cowboy Lamp. The Cowboy Pig Lamp.

"It's a one take fucker." - A Purple, Pulsating Richard Simmons

My eyes. My life.

Empire when?

Today. Empire Today.

A list of Youtube videos that I feel should have ended by the 60 second mark

1. Jason Voorhees on The Arsenio Hall Show


and...well, that's it actually.

I'm sorry to hear about the high fever you've developed

Please drink lots of fluids, relax and watch this. It'll help calm your shocked nervous system.

I must have dreamed a thousand dreams

...been haunted by a million screams.

Phil Collins once said "I'm all 'gone fishin' until next week."
And by that he was referring to me. Right now. Peace.

Rowen and Martin and the jokes of Rickles.

Post-Something or Something.

First of all...


Secondly, I'm very much hung over.