Cemeteries effected by the recession

NEW YORK, NY - Due to the recent recession cemeteries are having trouble affording additional real estate needed for expansion. To cope cemetery directors have been steering clients towards alternatives such as cremation or NBC's method, burying their dead at 10pm.

Recliner sales on the rise

NEW YORK, NY - According to a new study, the advent of the HD television is the reason U.S. recliner sales are projected to reach $4 billion this year. Also projected to reach 4 billion, the average recliner owner in pounds.

Elivs hair sells for $15,000

NEW YORK, NY - A clump of hair believed to have been from the head of Elvis Presley sold for $15,000 at a Chicago auction house. Similar to most auctions involving hair, the item went to the person who was highest creeper.

Facebook poke lands woman in jail

NEW YORK, NY - Shannon D. Jackson of Tennessee was arrested last week for Facebook poking a woman who had an order of protection placed against her. The crackdown has spread, Police have since filed homicide charges against millions in connection with some shit called Mafia Wars.

Fire sweeps through home as man sleeps

NEW YORK, NY - A Pittsburgh man who slept soundly as fire tore through his home, didn't wake until firefighters did a walk through two hours later. The man said he would've been more alert had he not been up all night setting fire to his home.

German gets caught on train

HAMBURG, GERMANY - A German man mooning rail staff on a departing train got his pants caught in a door and ended up being dragged half naked along the platform - which, according to witnesses, is exactly how German chocolate is made.

Call center breaks child labor laws

NEW YORK, NY - On Tuesday federal investigators cracked down on a multi-state call center company they said had broken child labor laws by employing children as young as 13 to man their phones. Authorities said they apprehended the company's CEO while he was traveling to a film festival in Switzerland.

TLC drops Jon and keeps Kate

LOS ANGELES, CA - TLC announced on Tuesday that "Jon & Kate Plus 8" will be continuing minus Jon Gosselin. Jon will still occasionally appear, the network added, "but only when he sneaks in pretending not to steal coke money."

A man's gripe with "Froot Loops"

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - A San Francisco man filed a lawsuit alleging that he ate boxes of Froot Loops for years based on his mistaken belief the cereal contained fruit. He's also suing makers of Frankenberry because the cereal doesn't actually include contents from an enormous monster's nutsack.

Palin's upcoming memoir gets a title

NEW YORK, NY - Sarah Palin's publisher, HarperCollins, announced on Tuesday the title of Palin's eagerly awaited memoir will be "Going Rogue: An American Life." HarperCollins said it was a strong toss up between that and the other potential title: "Winkin' Like a Stroke Victim"

Poland backs chemical castration

WARSAW, POLAND - On Friday a court in Poland approved a law allowing chemical castration to be used as a form of punishment. Ironic because Poland is a country well known for its Spring.

Donald Fisher, Gap co-founder, dies

NEW YORK, NY - Donald Fisher, co-founder of the clothing chain Gap, died on Sunday at the age 81. Keeping with the spirit of Gap, Fisher will be laid to rest the traditional way, and then again by some snobby Gap store employee.

Glenn Beck gets key to hometown city

NEW YORK, NY - On Sunday, Glenn Beck received a ceremonial key to the city from the mayor of his hometown while hundreds of protesters picketed the event. According to one protester, many angry locals feel Beck has taken an unfortunate turn for the worst since releasing "Mellow Gold"

Iran's police warn shops against curvy mannequins

TEHRAN, IRAN - As a part of a government campaign against Western influence, Iranian police warned shopkeepers this week against using mannequins that expose body curves. This has forced Iranians to create what they call a "Curve less Mannequin" - or for those living outside of Iran, a two by four.

Justin Timberlake cast in Fincher film

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Justin Timberlake landed a role in the new film from driector David Fincher, a perfectionist notorious for putting his actors through long shoot days. After given the schedule, Timberlake said the only other time he's seen something that long it belonged to Janet Jackson and had a nipple on the end of it.

MIT students create Facebook ‘gaydar’

NEW YORK, NY - Two MIT students are conducting an experiment to support claims they can tell a person is gay based on their Facebook profile. The number one sign? At the top of the profile are the words "Hello, I'm Kanye West."

Kevin Federline to join VH1's 'Celebrity Fit Club'

HOLLYWOOD, CA - VH1 confirmed the addition of Kevin Federline to the cast of this season's Celebrity Fit Club, which also includes contestant Bobby Brown. Upon hearing the news, a confused Bobby Brown said, "Federlines? That's the way I got Whitney to first ingest cocaine!"

White cop told cornrows break work rules

PHILADELPHIA, PA - A white Philadelphia cop was taken off the street and regulated to desk duty after reporting to work with his hair in cornrows. According to a superior, the white cop in cornrows was offered another punishment, but was uncomfortable with traveling through time to sing for The Offspring.

Octomom Nadya Suleman enjoys yoga

NEW YORK, NY - Octomom Nadya Suleman was spotted recently in the park near her home practicing yoga stretches. Octomom explained she's currently taking a class on stretching led by quite an experienced teacher - HER UTERUS.