*HIC*

Dear Atlantic Ocean,
My deepest, most sincere apologies for drinking you last night.

Warm Regards,
Billy


An Atlantic Ocean, 450 BC - 2006 AD
Keep the memory alive within each and every child's heart.

This Morning in Chinatown...

I actually witnessed a man slipping on a banana peel. He didn't flip all throughout the air...so I was definitely robbed in a sense. Like Robbed Lowe.

You know what's cold?

Outside. Right now.

1. I want to buy Annie Hall on DVD.
2. Same goes for All The President's Men.
3. Paint a life-sized portrait of the lovely Spanish waitress who serves me breakfast every Saturday morning at that Manhattan Ave diner.
4. I want to write a joke about not being able to suspend disbelif.
5. Mr. Mike's Mondo Video should become Mr. Mike's Mondo DVD.
6.
7.
8. Drink eight glasses of water daily. Every day.
9. Throw away those Russian records that continue to frighten me.
10. Stop ghost-writing autobiographies for people who are non-existant.

Thunder, Lightning, Frightening.

If I had a soul band, I'd name it that.

Epic, man. Epic.

Dear Garfield,

Stop acting like you got obligations.

Sincerely,
The Planet, The Galaxy and Every Molecule Ever

The opening line of my sales pitch for a new brand of metal throat tube/satellite radio receiver..

"Dammit"

Hi Georgia, Georgia Here..

From: Georgia Pack
Subject: Georgia Pack wrote:

hi Georgia i hope this is your e-mail.
I was like to see you the other day. I expect you was excited about New York.
So much so much happening all the time, lots of great opportunities.
And speaking of opportunities, the deal I was speaking you about day before included a company
named Tex-Homa (TXHE).
It's already lift up, but the big info isn't even
out yet, so there's still time. I have got this shares already and made
2000. I counsel you to do the same today.

Hope this helps you out. I'll see you this weekend.
Yours Georgia Pack

An ideal Halloween costume

My head in the center of a giant calendar turned to November
the first day of the month circled in thick, red marker.
When someone asks what I am
I'll say all arrogantly
“The Future"

And then that particular someone will turn into a hurricane (cause that's how they're made, I think)

I ain't afraid of no ghosts.

(I am however, petrified of using proper English)

Welcome to an interesting fact I overheard in Chinatown this afternoon

"73% of the Earth's smog is caused by a foot disease only wolfmen can develop."

Case Closed, You All.

WILLMINGTON, Delaware – Dir. of the Office of Homeland Security Tom Ridge alongside local police chief William Hamm held a press conference yesterday addressing the latest information on the newly dubbed Cave Creep. Ridge stated, “Despite our initial reports, we now have strong evidence indicating Cave Creep’s tits are in fact, fake.”

Mr. Game Snow

This guy eats cocaine. He also photographs you while you're dancing.

BARRY MANILOW - "I Write The Songs..."

I've been alive forever
And I wrote the very first song
I put the words and the melodies together
I am music
And I write the songs

[Chorus:]
I write the songs that make the whole world HOuu..uhgggggha!
I write the songs of love and special mmmyyuuuuuvuh!
I write the songs that make the young girls zznuuuuuanananVUH!
I write the songs, I write the songs

My home lies deep within you
And I've got my own place in your soul
Now when I look out through your eyes
I'm young again, even tho' I'm very old

I write the songs that make the whole world AHHHHHHHHHH!!
I write the songs of love and special HUMMunnnananaan-zot
I write the songs that make the young girls muuuufedtt
I write the songs, I write the songs

Oh, my music makes you dance and gives you spirit to take a chance
And I wrote some rock 'n roll so you can move
Music fills your heart, well that's a real find place to start
It's from me, it's for you
It's from you, it's for me
It's a worldwide symphony

I write the songs that make the whole world HEeeuhhhhguhHUWW!
I write the songs of love and special bafooooka
I write the songs that make the young girls garGGRARG
I write the songs, I write the songs

I write the songs that make the whole world NOOYEREW
I write the songs of love and special Gagyuuhit
I write the songs that make the young girls hmmmmmSWUUHYTE!
I write the songs, I write the songs

I am music and I write the songs

Sender: Ticketmaster

Subject: Don't miss "The Marine" & WWE RAW present: The DX Reunion Tour!

Thank you for the email, Ticketmaster. Really, it's like you know what I'm thinking. And what I need. It almost makes me regret the fact I have to pour lava all over your office sometime in the near future. Or yesterday.

hey, here's an idea!

shave your beard and remind yourself how much you lack a chin! ok?

You don't know?

The New York City subway system smells like the business end of a butthole. All day. Every day.

David Johansenmenvenbenden

Ok. I really must say I'm taken aback quite a bit right now. I'd just found out this guy:


Is the same exact person as this guy:


And this guy is the same as the two above:

The guy driving the cab.

July 4th, 1776

All I'm saying is have a happy long weekend!

I'm also saying, in the trailer for Superman Returns, a bullet is flattened by Superman's eyeball...if that's not independence then I don't care to know what is.

Sup Brah?

I'm taking a break from web logging. Until then, you should listen to to AM radio while pooping.


p.s. I shared an elevator with Harvey Keitel last Monday morning. Talk about holy shit (seriously, I want you to discuss holy shit)

The New York Stock Exchange

silence erupting into complete chaos.

simultaneous, indecipherable screaming.

over-sized confetti strewn about the floor.

ALL ELEMENTS THAT WOULDN'T BE OUT OF PLACE AT FRANKENSTEIN'S SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTY.

Drunk Posting..

went to Union Pool...some dude with a pony tail felt the urge to sit at our table...told him my friend unha didn't speak english..he proceeded to be a mother fucker...unha told the guy to get away..ummmmwent to the bathroom and came back..the guy was there, he was threatening eric...said something along the lines of "i'll burry you under six feet of soil" eric said "with what"" ponytail said "my ass." went to another bar..drunk..played boston on the peter gabriel on the jukebox...when leaving girl bartender told me to hide my drink in my coat instead of wasting it. drunk...went and got french fries..drunk. home waiting for tater tots. drunk.
here's a picture of my steve martin poster.

Today is my friend Max's birthday

He's very funny and apologizes for his farts minutes before they occur.

Here's a photo of him from our most recent trip to Utah.
(note the hat constructed out of paper mache' and three gallons of gasoline)
UPDATE: MAX'S BIRTHDAY ISN'T UNTIL NEXT WEDNESDAY. APPARENTLY HE'S ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO CELEBRATE THE WEEKEND PRIOR INSTEAD OF THE DAY OF. KIND OF LIKE THEY DO ON NEPTUNE. THE PLANET.

9:41 on a Saturday night and I'm watching All The Presidents Men.

You know, I actually kind of met Dustin Hoffman once. At a Devendra Banhart/Bunnybrains show. I didn't talk to him though. But I digress. This movie is amazing. Bob Woodward (Robert Redford) and Deep Throat were just discussing G. Gordon Liddy's bizarre behavior:

WOODWARD
What's the whole thing about--do you
know?

DEEP THROAT
What I know, you'll have to find out
on your own.

WOODWARD
Liddy--you think there's a chance
he'll talk?

DEEP THROAT
Talk? Once, at a gathering, he put
his hand over a candle. And he kept
it there. He kept it right in the
flame until his flesh seared. A woman
who was watching asked, "What's the
trick?" And he replied. "The trick
is not minding."

WOODWARD
He sounds like a huge faggot.

DEEP THROAT
Enormous.

the below post

compliments of Austin's own Christopher Engberg, Ladies & Gentleman.

"Oh, Hello There" - My Daily Morning Conversation

Me: Morning Frankie's M, did you feed Pryor?

Frankenstein's Monster: w4aouihg4th32!!!

Me: Don't talk with your mouth full.

FM: mmmmrrrrrrrrhhhppph! rrrrehhheow!

Me: Ima go hop in the shower.

FM: Okay.

The Ohsees

1. These guys are called The Ohsees
2. They used to be called OCS but decided to change their name after they'd released four albums
3. Four albums
4. After they'd already released FOUR ALBUMS
5. The band features John Dwyer of The Coachwhips and Pink & Brown
6. This song is entitled "Dumb Drums"
7. They have a new album coming out this June on Narnack Records
8. This video is not real

silence

Things to do:
1. Stand still while waiting for penguin-shaped digital camera to begin recording
2. Abruptly bust out in dance, beginning with right fist thrown above head
3. Turn towards television, absorb a second or two of tonight's Seinfeld rerun
4. Face camera again while continuing legendary shuffle
5. Pump both fists, attempt to clap, miss, lose balance
6. Boo-fart on the television
7. Bring left leg up, waddle waist a tad, accidentally reveal northern tip
8. Conceal northern tip
9. Mash potato the fuck out of myself
10. Shake right pointer finger as if to say "I aint afraid of no ghost"
11. Motion towards the sky as if to say "but I am afraid of thunder!"
12. Bend down, demonstrate how I'd look if I were starting two lawn mowers while simultaneously swatting away a summertime bumble bee
13. Engage in some other floppy shit
14. Realize it's incredibly creepster to do all of the above without making a single sound, turn camera off
15. Remember 9-11

life with alf

Muh nuy gut raaro minene dumn ggg, sayet bbuy wwi. Camnv ir, l buteswhwn youn, jut iijju? Hueuew bdbs "Stayert Huytny Wqqiiuiim". Jokmyignd nwnwig jud smumun yku newass. Botum lne, pawrion pwnt bluhk. Fwqwl fwee que cle ee suunn. Tnwkqs! Muh nuy gut raaro minene dumn ggg, sayet bbuy wwi. Camnv ir, l buteswhwn youn, jut iijju? Hueuew bdbs "Stayert Huytny Wqqiiuiim". Jokmyignd nwnwig jud smumun yku newass. Botum lne, pawrion pwnt bluhk. Fwqwl fwee que cle ee suunn. Tnwkqs! Muh nuy gut raaro minene dumn ggg, sayet bbuy wwi. Camnv ir, l buteswhwn youn, jut iijju? Hueuew bdbs "Stayert Huytny Wqqiiuiim". Jokmyignd nwnwig jud smumun yku newass. Botum lne, pawrion pwnt bluhk. Fwqwl fwee que cle ee suunn. Tnwkqs!

Loaded

I don't care if Billy Joel is weird and daydreams about being old and hanging out with me, he still creates some of the best music our world has ever heard. I don't even care about the mystical photographer who took this photograph, even if he can help police fight terrorism with his powers from the sun.

It's the Friday afternoon fun spot!

Who's going to McMurphy's after work? I know I've been absolutely DYING for the healing power of happy hour! (By the way, anyone know what's up with Philip's hair today? Looks like he fell asleep while doing this weeks numbers I'M SURE HE DID!)

The New Yorker cranks out another winner

You think that's painful? I have brain freeze.

Wolfmen just need to stop

From Zap2it.com:

"Somewhere beyond the realm of inspired casting is the genius of making Benicio Del Toro the new "Wolf Man."

Universal Pictures is mining its classic horror vaults for some new lycanthropic hijinx, recruiting Andrew Kevin Walker ("Seven") to write a fresh "Wolf Man" script for Oscar winner Del Toro to star in. In addition, Del Toro will produce the film along with Scott Stuber, Rick Yorn and Mary Parent.

The "Wolf Man" character is best known from the 1941 Lon Chaney Jr. film, directed by George Waggner. The story is simple: A man returns to his homeland, gets bitten by a werewolf and soon begins to feel a little bit wolfy himself.

The new version will be centered in Victorian England.

According to Variety, Del Toro is a collector of Wolf Man memorabilia. Shooting on the film will have to wait until early 2007 as the actor completes a starring turn as Che Guevara in Steven Soderbergh's "Guerilla." The trade paper speculates that "The Wolf Man" could be a summer 2008 tentpole for Universal."


Del Toro before and after I killed him.

Guess What...

Bobby Brown's reuniting with New Edition

.....&%$#

Current Status: Drunk

point blank, though...so many adorable people are attending small room comedy shows. I didn't meet one single person tonight who made me want to burn the earth. ahhhhhhh, sleeped.

Hi, yeah can I replace the cheese with mushrooms or more avacado? No? Oh.

What the inside of my stomach looks like after I ingest dairy.

Cold Spring Harbor

It was so cold in New York City this evening, I actually found myself taking part in the following conversation:

Me: Yech, I can't take this cold! I just want to climb down inside the sidewalk.
My Friend: It's probably colder down there.

and then I said some shit about volcanos.

Brooklyn Community Access Television (Part Two)

I'm torn on which show to develop first. Rip Torn.

"Wolfman Talkabout": round table discussion, live call-in. A weekly series focusing on one of the major problems effecting the state of New York today...Wolfmen. Spring is right around the corner which means warmer weather and the shedding of human beards. Due to this, 95% of our citizens let down the guard they've kept up all winter long, assuming Wolfmen will be easier to pinpoint and in turn, avoid. This is a terrible misconception. Wolfmen have recently developed the ability to singe hair from their bodies with fire. We need to stay awake. This show will provide you with the proper tools and information you need to survive a world full of horror. Each episode will feature specialists from all walks of life, all connected by one, singular goal: getting you home safe this evening.

"Rhythm Is Gonna Get You": half hour drama. Another wolfman-themed program. This one follows Phillip Rhythm, a middle-aged Wolfman who's also a doctor at the Boston Medical Center. His sense of smell is so precise and powerful, he's able to sniff cancer out in patients up to seven years before they actually develop it. His nose goes into the future. If only he could stop murdering those he's diagnosed.

Dr. Phillip Rythm, Total Cocksucker

What if children had the ability to wipe out our planet's entire adult population?

Somewhere in Antarctica, 1500 feet below the Earth's crust...they prepare:

Look at them mimic our movements. Hey, children...Blackbeard's shoulder just called, it's lost without you. Fucking parrots.

Brooklyn Community Access Television

I'm developing a weekly show for the community access network here in Brooklyn and unfortunately, I've yet to iron out exactly what it will center upon. A blank canvas waiting to be all stunked up with my stank (which surprisingly smells a lot like blank canvas). After a little brainstorming, I've come up with some ideas...I'll post them some other time because right now my cat's mouth and teeth are taking my arm to dinner.

Understand my obsession with low-budget television...

The Uncle Floyd Show, 1982

Topical (tropical)

Here are some jams:

Recently, actress Gena Davis spoke out about the lack of female characters in children’s films, demanding there be more roles. In a related story, Hollywood heard another demand for more rolls, it came from the belly of Kirstie Alley.

In a press conference yesterday, Pittsburgh Steelers’ Quarterback, Ben Roethisberger, stated he’s waiting until after the Super Bowl to shave his facial hair, which he's been growing since the team’s winning streak began weeks ago. When journalists mocked his superstition, Roethisberger became so enraged he eventually had to be put down by a single silver bullet.