For the second consecutive season I've auditioned for a spot as a contributing writer on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update. For the second consecutive season I've failed.
Bask in my submission (a pun):
During the Democratic National Convention, Vice Presidential candidate Joe Biden criticized the Republican leadership stating, "The Bush-McCain foreign policy has dug us into a very deep hole." After hearing about this deep hole, President Bush demanded that an oil well be built over it.
Scientists have announced the recent finding of a giant, two-foot long clam that dates back tens of thousands of years. The new species of prehistoric clam was discovered by wardrobe personnel on Madonna's latest tour.
Critics have been challenging China on the age of certain members of its gymnastic team, claiming they're much younger than the nation had stated. In its defense, China fired back "If you were exposed to this much lead paint, you'd grow in slow-motion too."
A New Jersey man accused of making a fortune by pillaging hundreds of bodies sent to funeral homes and selling their parts to medical companies pleaded guilty Friday, admitting the stolen body parts were used in thousands of transplant surgeries. Patients should expect side effects ranging from dizziness to an urge to scream furiously around fire.
During a recent performance, singer Jessica Simpson admitted to fans that she passes gas often, adding "and I guarantee it smells like roses". In a related story, Baseball Hall of Famer Pete Rose said his farts smell exactly like "Simpson's".
Information on the mostly unknown Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin is beginning to trickle out. According to reports, she is a staunch, pro-life advocate and an avid fan of hunting - because nothing says you're pro-life quite like putting a bullet into a moose's skull.
Aaron Sorkin is in negotiations to write a film based on the creation of social networking site Facebook. Notorious for penning wordy dialogue, Sorkin has announced the lead role will be played by an actual book with a face painted on it.
On stage during the Democratic National Convention, Senator Obama accidentally kissed Joe Biden's wife on the lips. Ms. Biden apologized for getting in the way of the kiss, which was actually intended for Hillary Clinton's ass.
Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin confirmed that her 17-year-old daughter Bristol is five months pregnant, or as McCain campaign strategists called it: The Elephant in the Womb.
American Idol has added a fourth judge, songwriter Kara DioGuardi, an old friend of Paula Abdul. When asked where at the judge's table DioGuardi would sit, Abdul said she hopes next to her, adding "but we'll probably be separated by Simon or something." Also probably being separated by Simon: the beating heart from a human sacrifice. (ALT. the lettuce and tomato from a Big Mac)
Prior to announcing his plans to campaign alongside Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, John McCain stated in various interviews his interest in actor Wilfred Brimley as his potential running mate. If elected, their first order of business: Lower taxes on mustache rides.
After winning a gold medal in the Beijing Olympics, American gymnast Nastia Liukin will be getting her very own Wheaties box. Similarly, China announced they'll be placing the faces of their Gymnastic team on cans of baby formula.
Republicans have criticized Michael Moore's recent comments on Hurricane Gustav's possible disruption of the Republican National Convention, saying Gustav is "proof there is a God in Heaven". A powerful statement because Moore normally reserves those words to describe Subway's new five dollar footlongs.
Yankee's all star Alex Rodriguez recently arrived late for two separate games due to bouts with traffic on the Cross Bronx Expressway. In response, team manager Joe Girardi said, quote "I'm going to give him a better way to come". He was then presented with a high five and plaque from the "National Dirty Pun Association"
Residents of Hoschton, Georgia plan to build thousands of scarecrows and break the Guinness World Record for "Most Scarecrows in One Location" - A title which currently belongs to the cast of "Desperate Housewives"
Professional wrestling pioneer Killer Kowalski died early Saturday from the effects of a heart attack. Funeral arrangements will be handled by The Undertaker.
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