"Pacman" Jones prepares new project

NASHVILLE, Tenn. - It was announced this week that former Tennessee Titans cornerback "Pacman" Jones plans to release his own hip hop album, beginning with the first single "Let it Shine". Jones, who was suspended by the NFL this season due to an over whelming amount of fight-related arrests, promised the song to be a huge hit. Authorities heard about this hit and out of sheer habit, maced Jones and took him into custody.

Excuse me, deranged serial killer of a next door neighbor? Could we have a word?

If my memory serves correct, I'm certain I'd asked you to cease from leaving these discarded severed heads on my front lawn. Now, I can be a jerk about this and make a phone call to John Sently, head of our condo committee. But, I really prefer to be civil and keep it between you and I. So, do we have an understanding..
OWWWWW!! OH MY GOD, GET IT OFF! UGGGGUUUSH!! AHHUGH!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

R.I.P.

Welcome to Hooters!

NEW YORK, NY - This summer, select Hooters restaurants will feature Menus That Talk, an electronic device that describes food choices at the touch of a button. This is great news for Hooters' main clientele, who would prefer to keep the print menu where it belongs: hiding their enormous, gory erections.

Favorite Flavor Flav Roast Jokes...

Recently, a very beautiful Patton Oswalt asked me to submit some jokes to him for his upcoming appearance on Comedy Central's Roast of Flavor Flav. Unfortunately, none of mine made the cut. Here are a bunch of my favorite rejects, please hen-joy! (unnecessary poultry-related pun?)



Flavor Flav is a living legend, he's been around for as long as I can remember. He's so old, his first single was distributed overseas by the Santa Maria.

Flavor Flav is so old, his first clock was Stonehenge.

Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielsen's relationship fizzled out almost as fast as it began. The only thing that had a more abrupt ending was the list of recognizable credits on Katt Williams IMDB page.

But, I have to be honest, I really don't know too much about their relationship. The Surreal Life is about as appealing to me as the sound of a condom wrapper opening is to the ears of Flavor Flav.

Flavor should think about a fla-vasectomy.

When your penis has pulled out less than our troops in Iraq, then it's about time to shut it down.

Because of the overwhelming amount of attractive, successful black men here tonight, Lisa Lampanelli's vagina just checked into rehab due to dehydration.

Carrot Top, or as I'd like to call him, the David Gest of comedy.

Carrot Top, what are you doing with your face? And that make up? Come on, the description given to the sketch artist involved in John Wayne Gacy's case was less disturbing.

I've seen less make-up on Predator.

Less powder has been metabolized by the body of Robin Williams.

Carrot Top, what's with this new physique? It looks like you fell on top of a land mine filled with steroids.

The word "mussel" hasn't made me dry heave this much since getting the stomach flu at Red Lobster.

Ice-T is here, star of Special Victims Unit. Wait, isn't that what Brigitte Nielsen nicknamed her vagina after having sex with Flavor Flav?

Ice-T released the song "Cop Killer", which was later banned by censors claiming it was too violent towards police. After seeing Ice-T's portrayal of a cop on Law & Order, those same censors have since deemed the song as not violent enough.

Jimmy Kimmel is hosting a new game show called "Set For Life". The first contestant? Sarah Silverman the second she began dating Jimmy Kimmel.