Morning Show with Jack Paar (1954)

..not bad for a guy born in 1918.

Cinema's best escalation scene. Ever.

Weekend Update.

This season, I tried out as a contributing writer for Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update. I did not make it. Here are some jokes.



According to a new report from paleontologists, two
molars that are over 60,000 years old show that Neanderthals
may have used objects to clean their teeth. After the
discovery, researchers returned the X-rays to Larry King's
dentist as promised.

The Academy of Television, Arts and Sciences said
that Kathy Griffin's use of the "c-word" during a
speech at the creative arts Emmys last weekend would
be edited out when it's broadcast on E! The offending
"c-word" occurred when she referred to herself as
"creative".

Last week, a repossession crew in Illinois was
caught off guard when a young boy leaped out of a
sports utility vehicle they were towing away. Said a
surprised crew member, "I didn't even know the vehicle
was pregnant."

An artist in Boston is attempting to bring back
smell-o-vision with screenings of Willy Wonka and the
Chocolate Factory. During the film, she'll create the
aromas of blueberry pie, banana taffy and even more
impressive, dwarf exploitation.

A new rule in New York City requires fast-food restaurants to post
calorie counts on their menus. As a result, McDonald's
has removed their current menu and replaced it with an
electronic ticker.

China signed an agreement Tuesday to prohibit the
use of lead paint on toys exported to the United
States. This is great news for Classic Rock stations
across America whose growing demand to "Get The Led
Out" is finally seeing results.

A town council in Germany has decided that the best
way to improve road safety is to remove all traffic
lights and stop signs downtown. That's right, you can
watch wacky decisions like this made all fall on the
new CBS show, Kid Nation: Germany

The Russian military has successfully tested what
it's described as the world's most powerful
non-nuclear, air-delivered bomb. In a related story,
Starbucks opened its first shop in Russia last
Thursday.

It was announced that Jennifer Hudson will star in
the upcoming Sex and the City movie. She'll portray
the doctor who informs each character they have
Syphilis.

In an effort to get people to stop smoking in
China, a new rule requires cigarette packs to have
blackened teeth and diseased lungs printed on them.
For the benefit of vision-impaired smokers, the
cigarettes themselves will be replaced by actual blackened
teeth and diseased lungs.

Kanye West has stated he was upset because MTV did
not ask him to open the Video Music Awards. Also upset
for not being asked to take part in the show’s open:
Britney Spears’ sobriety.

Paris Hilton is suing a greeting card company for
using her likeness and "That's Hot" phrase without
permission. Also involved in a lawsuit, the words
"that's" and "hot" for being associated with the
likeness of Paris Hilton.

It was announced that Japan's Ochi Yosuke won the
Air Guitar World Championship for the second
consecutive year. Unfortunately, his title was taken
away after he tested positive for air steroids.

It was reported that the New England Patriots may
be punished for breaking league rules by video taping
defensive signals on the opposing team's sideline
during last Sunday's game. A spokesman for the NFL
said they haven't seen something this low-down since
catching a glimpse of Janet Jackson's nipple.

b

bac

sn.

love,
billy

How I Spent My Sumuuahau

Me Home.

"Pacman" Jones prepares new project

NASHVILLE, Tenn. - It was announced this week that former Tennessee Titans cornerback "Pacman" Jones plans to release his own hip hop album, beginning with the first single "Let it Shine". Jones, who was suspended by the NFL this season due to an over whelming amount of fight-related arrests, promised the song to be a huge hit. Authorities heard about this hit and out of sheer habit, maced Jones and took him into custody.

Excuse me, deranged serial killer of a next door neighbor? Could we have a word?

If my memory serves correct, I'm certain I'd asked you to cease from leaving these discarded severed heads on my front lawn. Now, I can be a jerk about this and make a phone call to John Sently, head of our condo committee. But, I really prefer to be civil and keep it between you and I. So, do we have an understanding..
OWWWWW!! OH MY GOD, GET IT OFF! UGGGGUUUSH!! AHHUGH!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

R.I.P.

Welcome to Hooters!

NEW YORK, NY - This summer, select Hooters restaurants will feature Menus That Talk, an electronic device that describes food choices at the touch of a button. This is great news for Hooters' main clientele, who would prefer to keep the print menu where it belongs: hiding their enormous, gory erections.

Favorite Flavor Flav Roast Jokes...

Recently, a very beautiful Patton Oswalt asked me to submit some jokes to him for his upcoming appearance on Comedy Central's Roast of Flavor Flav. Unfortunately, none of mine made the cut. Here are a bunch of my favorite rejects, please hen-joy! (unnecessary poultry-related pun?)



Flavor Flav is a living legend, he's been around for as long as I can remember. He's so old, his first single was distributed overseas by the Santa Maria.

Flavor Flav is so old, his first clock was Stonehenge.

Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielsen's relationship fizzled out almost as fast as it began. The only thing that had a more abrupt ending was the list of recognizable credits on Katt Williams IMDB page.

But, I have to be honest, I really don't know too much about their relationship. The Surreal Life is about as appealing to me as the sound of a condom wrapper opening is to the ears of Flavor Flav.

Flavor should think about a fla-vasectomy.

When your penis has pulled out less than our troops in Iraq, then it's about time to shut it down.

Because of the overwhelming amount of attractive, successful black men here tonight, Lisa Lampanelli's vagina just checked into rehab due to dehydration.

Carrot Top, or as I'd like to call him, the David Gest of comedy.

Carrot Top, what are you doing with your face? And that make up? Come on, the description given to the sketch artist involved in John Wayne Gacy's case was less disturbing.

I've seen less make-up on Predator.

Less powder has been metabolized by the body of Robin Williams.

Carrot Top, what's with this new physique? It looks like you fell on top of a land mine filled with steroids.

The word "mussel" hasn't made me dry heave this much since getting the stomach flu at Red Lobster.

Ice-T is here, star of Special Victims Unit. Wait, isn't that what Brigitte Nielsen nicknamed her vagina after having sex with Flavor Flav?

Ice-T released the song "Cop Killer", which was later banned by censors claiming it was too violent towards police. After seeing Ice-T's portrayal of a cop on Law & Order, those same censors have since deemed the song as not violent enough.

Jimmy Kimmel is hosting a new game show called "Set For Life". The first contestant? Sarah Silverman the second she began dating Jimmy Kimmel.

Three murders captured live on film.

Rest in peace..

I'll tell you what confusion is.

Confusion is the sight of a man in the subway terminal, simultaneously yawning while running full speed. That very scene was witnessed by me yesterday afternoon, and it made the top of my skull itch.

Yawning plus running full speed...add a few bags of cash, score it with The Zombies "This Will Be Our Year" and you could have the opening scene to the worst heroin-addicted- Olympic-athlete-turned-bank-robber drama ever.

You know what else is confusing? Lindsey Lohan actually having ability to understand the proper use of gravity and not accidentally hovering up into the Earth's atmosphere. Her body is made up of twenty trillion tiny, cocaine-dusted question marks. Each with their own pack of Camel non-filters.


"We have noting to do with this post."

I know, fellas. I know.

Charlie Kaufman

...he gonna take out your brain, flip the inside up over the outside, kiss it, set it in some NYC street-snow and then reinsert it backwards.

I present to you, the poster for Kaufman's upcoming Synecdoche, New York
(click to read an interesting article from the LA Times)

The Lamp. The Cowboy Lamp. The Cowboy Pig Lamp.

"It's a one take fucker." - A Purple, Pulsating Richard Simmons

My eyes. My life.

Empire when?

Today. Empire Today.

A list of Youtube videos that I feel should have ended by the 60 second mark

1. Jason Voorhees on The Arsenio Hall Show


and...well, that's it actually.

I'm sorry to hear about the high fever you've developed

Please drink lots of fluids, relax and watch this. It'll help calm your shocked nervous system.

I must have dreamed a thousand dreams

...been haunted by a million screams.

Phil Collins once said "I'm all 'gone fishin' until next week."
And by that he was referring to me. Right now. Peace.

Rowen and Martin and the jokes of Rickles.

Post-Something or Something.

First of all...


Secondly, I'm very much hung over.

Powdered Vic

"How many does that make for you, like a hundred million? Give me a break."

In the mid-1980s, Stephen King wrote, produced and directed a Toys R Us commercial

...there were no survivors.

Hot. New York City.

It was so hot in New York City today, citizens were diving into apartment fires simply for the cooler temperatures.

It's so hot in New York today, a confused President Bush sent U.S. troops into the city to take over its oil fields.

New York is so hot, the newest addition to our city's Most Wanted Terrorists list is the Sun.

Uncle Michael

"That was the week I fell on your fucking porch."

Marcy From Bushwick

"I'm allergic to Christina, you know? Haahah! Or her cats."

Birthday Cake Larry

"Why didn't you call me back last night? Who's going swimming this summer?"

Last night on The Jeffersons

Unbeknownest to himself, George ate a mouthful of chocolate-covered bumble bees (I'm not kidding). Dude was pissed. But honestly, when is he not? One second after his bumble bee tantrum, he began screaming at his son about not being brave enough to tell his wife she can't attend school in Europe. All talkin' about "You're the MAN in this relationship! You gotta take a STAND in this relationship!"

Man, calm the arteries before they turn to bone. Also, rhyming is for dirtballs and wind surfers.

If I were to describe the way my subconcious sees George Jefferson to a sketch artist, the end result would look exactly like this:



(Also, apparently this post was originally written by a women's rights activist in 1976. Her name is not important.)

I dig myself a Woody Allen interview

An in-depth conversation from the French program "Cinéma Cinémas"


"Cinéma Cinémas" Interview Continued


Woody on Dick Cavett Part One (the rest can be found here)

Blue Collar Fridays!

If you're two inches tall and live on the inside of an engine block, you might be a redneck.

If you refer to barbeque sauce as "nature's tooth paste", you might be a redneck.

If your neck is bloody and often on fire, you might be a redneck (call the ambulence, weirdo)

Nothing appeals more to sleepy-eyed children on Saturday mornings than...

fictional murderers abruptly dedicating thier lives to fighting crime.


Nothing.

I'm tired.

Four hours of sleep last night, four. But, I can't complain. There are people in third world countries who could barely afford two.

What was Laverne doing in that closet?

65 seconds into the Laverne & Shirley intro, both characters simultaneously emerge, causing a collision of doors. Shirley from the hall and Laverne the closet. For decades it's been unknown what exactly Laverne was doing in there, and why. Here are a few possibilities:

1. Secretly producing her cult-inspiring, pirate radio show "Smoker's Breath and Teeth"
2. Relating to this green potato chip she'd found four days prior
3. Making a mockery of our nation's judicial system!!
4. Fine-tuning her epic poem Wont You Come? later to be stolen by Soundgarden and used verbatim in a disgusting, throw-up known as Black Hole Sun
5. Invading the day dreams of school children, murdering said school children
6. Waiting for her cue

Why don't we ask actress Penny Marshall herself? Penny, what was your character doing in that closet anyway?

"Four outta da above six, baby blue cheeses!"

Ok? Thanks for the closure?

I'm doing stand-up.

Witness me tell jokes about the scent of the Declaration of Independence, as well as its texture.

Black Habanero presents a special night of comedy featuring sketches, improv, stand-up, and a short film.

Thursday, July 5th 11pm
Two Boots Video
44 Avenue A
New York, NY

The mustached creep of the universe

Failed terrorist attacks in the UK force American airports to strengthen security

The most recent attempt occurred Saturday when two terrorists drove a gas-cylinder filled Jeep Cherokee into the front doors of Glasgow Airport's main terminal. U.S. airports have since tightened security.

My problem is this, now I'll never be able to experience my dream of yelling "Keep it!" while throwing car keys to an airport security guard after he has angrily stated that I can't suspiciously park a car in the front of the airport terminal then proceed to run inside, all fast, crying and horny.

Thanks for ruining it for me, British Terror Creatures/Dream Theives.

But still, I do have my other goal: hanging outside the sun roof of a speeding stretch limo and gleefully yelping "I love this town!"

(Note: both of the above cliched situations would end in my rescuing of a girl from her beer-drunk piano teacher, for some reason)

Matt Says...

From the desk of Charles Bronson:

Well hi ladies! I'd like to wish you all a happy St. Rosenberg's Day. I bet you forgot it was StRbg's day, didn't you? In my house we celebrate by watching Mr. Mom, with its strong Rosenbergian themes of gender role chaos and midlife crises, you know?

Billy's shaving in my bathroom right now. Do you know what's under his beard? Another beard. He better not leave his facepubes in my sink or else.

I just gave my kits a burlap pouch of catnip. They drooled all over it, threw it under the couch, and fell asleep. Have you ever met Billy's cat Gene Wilder? Such a monster. Cat sliced my hand just because I kept tapping him on the head with Billy's rolled up 40 Days and 40 Nights poster. If Gene Wilder was a Brooklyn girl he'd be pasty and chain smoking and wearing a t-shirt that says all glittery, "I'm Just Mean All The Time For No Reason."

I also have a lottery ticket story that's too boring to tell here.

Speaking of lottery, I have a ghost in my building. He's the ghost of an unemployed old Polish man who died in 1937. His name is Kosjyka and he spits tobacco on the floor and says things like "Woooooooo is dere any place ta gabmle here in Greenpernt?" and "Only fags use umbrellers." When I ask how I'm supposed to avenge his death he tells me to go shit in my hat.

Billy's beard is so bushy that it would take over 45 of Hitler's mustaches to replace.

It's expected to reach a record breaking 95 degrees in New York City this afternoon

-It's so hot in New York City, gasoline is now available in three choices: leaded, unleaded and Slurpee.
(pee)
-It's so hot, Yankees manager Joe Torre announced the recent addition to his team, Ice Cube.
(vomit)
-Because of soaring summer heat, the temperature of the East River has gone up immensely. Always the resource conscious corporation, Starbucks is now serving the river's water as their own "House Blend"
(lose consciousness)
-As a result of record high temperatures, a sweat-soaked Donald Trump was reportedly seen in the middle of Times Square screaming "You're fired!" directly towards the sun.
(awaken, vomit twice more)
-The heat is so intense, Mayor Bloomberg has raised the Terror Threat Level to Orange Drink.
(suddenly bleed from the knees)
-It's so hot, the prostitutes are offering discounts to anyone with the last name "Softee"
(choke, cough up three spiders)
-New York City's humidity is so high, it's impossible to label any of the proceeding jokes as dry. You bike seat-dented butthole, you.

Topical, pop culture humor! It's almost like it's the same joke over and over....and over.

I caught Jim Belushi's "The Principal" on television recently..

hence my absence from this blog this past week.

I'm doing stand-up this Thursday night.

My friend Brandon is putting together a new, late-night show in the East Village. Stand-up, sketch and improv. Good, good and gooooo...

Thursday, June 22nd 11pm
The Den (under Two Boots Video)
44 Avenue A, corner of 3rd
New York, NY

Some cool clips from the cult favorite, Michael O'Donahue project "Mr. Mike's Mondo Video"

Swimming Lessons For Cats (wouldn't even get beyond the pitch stage in today's world)


Video Opening (featuring Dan Aykroyd's webbed feet)


Out of Context Q & A, plus more


And more, and more

There are not many things I know about David Lynch

...but I do know this, while a guy standing in line behind me at the Franklin Corner Store proceeds to make an inaudible joke about said Mr. Lynch, in the process, he'll inevitably end up spitting on my elbow.

Now, please allow me to re-cap the topics covered in this post using the only images I've collected throughout my entire existance:

What's worse than a person whistiling?

A person who attempts to whistle, but misses. It creates this noise that's all fuzz-filled, airy and annoying. Stop whistling. Hit or miss, just stop.

Unless of course you're Axl Rose in the song "Patience" (rumor has it, if one were to listen closely, they could actually hear the faint sound of Axl's future braids gently caressing against the in-studio mic. Time traveling hair? Those thick, red locks are powerful.)

Legendary stories of cinematic accomplishment.

"Santa Poop" featuring the voices of Kristen Wiig and Jason Sudeikis.

FACT: This 1986 holiday film cost a record-shattering 173 million dollars to produce, raking in nearly triple that its opening weekend. Amazing and true.

And the number one sign you're being haunted by a lame ghost..

1. He takes off Halloween to avoid seeming too ironic.

Booooo! Boo. Ick. It's a little too early in the year for spirit-humor. To quote a ghost I had the chance to interview a couple of month ago, "The summer? It's too hot to haunt."

Yes, he smelled like lightening.

Motion Activated Toilets

A fan I am not. They're worthless and flush at the worst possible times. While I'm sitting?! Unacceptable. The harsh, sprays of porcelain juice they create should be arrested. Throughout this past week I've been battling this one, specific toilet, through gritted teeth referring to it as "you mother fucker" four times, "son of a bitch, asshole" twice, and "white trash!" at least thirty, forty times. Still, I'm abused by its cockness.

To every motion activated toilet out there, I say this:
1. You've done your job capturing my urine and feces, I'll take it from here.
2. You're never going to be human, so stop trying to act cool.
3. I hope someone pours wet cement in your mouth. I mean, your bowl (not human).

Gruesome.

Peripheral, for real.

While at a bar the other night, out of the corner of my eye I thought I'd seen a person dancing furiously. Excited, I turned to look and realized it was just some guy who was struggling to put on his jacket. Annnnnnnnd everybody cut, everybody cut.

Bill Murray fills in for Harry Carey

Murray is given free reign over the booth during a Cubs/Expos game @ Wrigley, April '87 (Scrooged-era!) His quick wit really shines during this live broadcast. Find the entire series of clips here.

True, romantic television.

A sufficient crash course in the early stages of comedy's heart and soul, Late Night TV (narrated by Conan O'Brien)

Constipation make angry.

Sean Penn doing a spot-on impression of the complete opposite state of my bowels are currently are in.

Nice work, Penn. Hilarious. Now prepare to solve your own strange murder (ie. is that my daughter in there)

Bob and Ray on Saturday

Recently, some high-class Youtube user posted a cache of clips from Bob and Ray's episode of Saturday Night Live (6/9/07 Update: these are actually from a television special entitled "Bob and Ray, Jane, Laraine and Gilda"...mine bad). View the entire list.

Here's my personal favorite from the lot, the short film "Start Your Own Business"

Once upon a New York City..

I'm reading the Bill Carter penned book "The Late Shift" and came across tons of interesting tidbits. Apparently, back in the early 90's when David Letterman had just signed on with CBS, there was a definite possibility The Late Show was going to relocate to Burbank. Because he felt it would've had a negative effect on New York City's entertainment stance, Mayor David Dinkins expressed in many, many interviews the importance of Letterman remaining in the East, dropping one of the best, most absurd lines ever. He said he would do almost anything to keep Letterman from leaving, including "doing back flips off my eyebrows."

EYEBROWS!

A bunch of old guys dying in 1990..

Mr. Warmth!

Billy Nord: ..and you see, that's when I wrote my first joke. The next year, when I turned four, I accidentally fell into a vat of vampire blood. Ha, just kidding! What? But yeah, when I turned four..

Don Rickles: (the uninterupted sound of cutting wood)

I have a cold.

Sometimes...

Greenpoint can smell exactly like a couple of old people took a crap.

Last night...

"I'm sorry about the screen saver" - Zach Galifianakis (feeling remorseful after pulling a projector screen down over a rather obnoxious karaoke performance)

Happy Birthday Last Week, Last Year.

It was Matt's b-day last week so, here's a video Eric Holmes and I made for his birthday last year.

You know, 'cause I believe in recycling. We only have one Earth.

Today in Midtown, the following was said to me...

"It's nice to see you!"

And from whose mouth did these words emerge?

Joe Piscopo's

Granted it was right after he...nevermind. Something related to losing his vision, or something. But seriously, he said that.

Tons of outtakes from the Don Rickles/Richard Lewis spitcom "Daddy Dearest"

(Note: 34 seconds into Part One, Rickles refers to Renee Taylor as "a faggot old lady" - a pitch perfect prelude to what's in store for the next near hour. So beautiful.)

Part One

Part Two

Part Three (w/ Frank Sinatra cameo)

Part Four

Part Five

Part Six

There's only one way out of this

...that wasn't it.

Your New Mantra.

Don't fart.

Mine, I mean...that's my new mantra. Especially on the subway, it's selfish otherwise.

Anyway, just because these two dudes are deep within my delicious soul, here's their Rolling Stone cover..

Also, this month, May 22nd to be exact, marks the 15 year anniversary of Carson's Tonight Show departure. How Leno's version still manages to absorb more ratings than Letterman is beyond me. Leno's demo are not of this dimension. The only one that matters. Mine.

I think.

For quite some I was baffled by the fact that, when a person of some sort of importance dies, they suddenly become The Late-so and so...as in The Late Ronald Regan or The Late Boris Yeltsin. I never understood why this post-death title was... until today. See, I was closing in on hour five of my morning marinara bath, you know, when the subconscious and unconscious begin to work some honest-to-god magic and sort out Earth's complicated mysteries...anyway, just like that, the answer came to me. I totally understand why those who die become The Late-so and so.

I thought "Hey, if I were dead, I'd be late for a lot of things too"

I mean, I can't imagine how much time it would take to break through that casket lid...not to mention digging through almost five feet of dirt. With corpse hand, no less. Forget about it.

And knowing my dedication to completing goals...

-The Really Late Billy Nord

Somewhere, someone sneezed..

and then said to me "David Fincher directed the video for Paula Abdul's Cold Hearted Snake"

And then I coughed a question mark.

::OLD JOKE, ALREADY DONE::

OLD JOKE ALERT IS ALL SORTS OF GOING OFF :: The 1987, sci-fi thriller "PREDATOR" had a different working title. Originally, the film was called "TO CATCH A PREDATOR" and instead of the alien having those bizarre dredlocks atop his head, the producers wanted his hair to be comprised of wine cooler bottles and AIM chat logs. :: OLD JOKE ALERT ALL SORTS OF WENT OFF

Los Angeles, CA 2007

There's some good coffee here.
Except for Arby's. Stuff is as foul as the watered feces from 1950's most merciless nightmare creature, whoever that may be.

Why was I drinking coffee at Arby's? It's where I woke up AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Greenpoint, 2007

While exiting the G train this morning, I overheard a quick exchange between the train operator and another fellow who was attempting to make the ride before the doors closed.

Train Operator: (leaning from the car window, motioning toward the contents of the man’s hand) Is that for me?
Man: (holding what clearly looked like an empty coffee cup stuffed with wet trash) No, it’s…
Train Operator: Then you have to wait for the next train.

He then abruptly closes the doors and speeds off.

Why? Why would a man want another man’s old garbage? He didn’t. He’s a performer. This wasn’t the first time the man in the box has screwed with a commuter. I hear him attempting to bust jokes quite often. He once told a women, who was also running to gain access to his train, not to run because she was holding a baby.
She wasn’t holding a baby. She was holding a nothing.

In conclusion, this man has no specific target. No one is safe from his incredible blend of insult and abstract comedy - those carrying something, those carrying nothing. He gots you.