Matt Says...

From the desk of Charles Bronson:

Well hi ladies! I'd like to wish you all a happy St. Rosenberg's Day. I bet you forgot it was StRbg's day, didn't you? In my house we celebrate by watching Mr. Mom, with its strong Rosenbergian themes of gender role chaos and midlife crises, you know?

Billy's shaving in my bathroom right now. Do you know what's under his beard? Another beard. He better not leave his facepubes in my sink or else.

I just gave my kits a burlap pouch of catnip. They drooled all over it, threw it under the couch, and fell asleep. Have you ever met Billy's cat Gene Wilder? Such a monster. Cat sliced my hand just because I kept tapping him on the head with Billy's rolled up 40 Days and 40 Nights poster. If Gene Wilder was a Brooklyn girl he'd be pasty and chain smoking and wearing a t-shirt that says all glittery, "I'm Just Mean All The Time For No Reason."

I also have a lottery ticket story that's too boring to tell here.

Speaking of lottery, I have a ghost in my building. He's the ghost of an unemployed old Polish man who died in 1937. His name is Kosjyka and he spits tobacco on the floor and says things like "Woooooooo is dere any place ta gabmle here in Greenpernt?" and "Only fags use umbrellers." When I ask how I'm supposed to avenge his death he tells me to go shit in my hat.

Billy's beard is so bushy that it would take over 45 of Hitler's mustaches to replace.