It's expected to reach a record breaking 95 degrees in New York City this afternoon

-It's so hot in New York City, gasoline is now available in three choices: leaded, unleaded and Slurpee.
(pee)
-It's so hot, Yankees manager Joe Torre announced the recent addition to his team, Ice Cube.
(vomit)
-Because of soaring summer heat, the temperature of the East River has gone up immensely. Always the resource conscious corporation, Starbucks is now serving the river's water as their own "House Blend"
(lose consciousness)
-As a result of record high temperatures, a sweat-soaked Donald Trump was reportedly seen in the middle of Times Square screaming "You're fired!" directly towards the sun.
(awaken, vomit twice more)
-The heat is so intense, Mayor Bloomberg has raised the Terror Threat Level to Orange Drink.
(suddenly bleed from the knees)
-It's so hot, the prostitutes are offering discounts to anyone with the last name "Softee"
(choke, cough up three spiders)
-New York City's humidity is so high, it's impossible to label any of the proceeding jokes as dry. You bike seat-dented butthole, you.

Topical, pop culture humor! It's almost like it's the same joke over and over....and over.