Los Angeles, CA 2007

There's some good coffee here.
Except for Arby's. Stuff is as foul as the watered feces from 1950's most merciless nightmare creature, whoever that may be.

Why was I drinking coffee at Arby's? It's where I woke up AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Greenpoint, 2007

While exiting the G train this morning, I overheard a quick exchange between the train operator and another fellow who was attempting to make the ride before the doors closed.

Train Operator: (leaning from the car window, motioning toward the contents of the man’s hand) Is that for me?
Man: (holding what clearly looked like an empty coffee cup stuffed with wet trash) No, it’s…
Train Operator: Then you have to wait for the next train.

He then abruptly closes the doors and speeds off.

Why? Why would a man want another man’s old garbage? He didn’t. He’s a performer. This wasn’t the first time the man in the box has screwed with a commuter. I hear him attempting to bust jokes quite often. He once told a women, who was also running to gain access to his train, not to run because she was holding a baby.
She wasn’t holding a baby. She was holding a nothing.

In conclusion, this man has no specific target. No one is safe from his incredible blend of insult and abstract comedy - those carrying something, those carrying nothing. He gots you.

*HIC*

Dear Atlantic Ocean,
My deepest, most sincere apologies for drinking you last night.

Warm Regards,
Billy


An Atlantic Ocean, 450 BC - 2006 AD
Keep the memory alive within each and every child's heart.

This Morning in Chinatown...

I actually witnessed a man slipping on a banana peel. He didn't flip all throughout the air...so I was definitely robbed in a sense. Like Robbed Lowe.

You know what's cold?

Outside. Right now.

1. I want to buy Annie Hall on DVD.
2. Same goes for All The President's Men.
3. Paint a life-sized portrait of the lovely Spanish waitress who serves me breakfast every Saturday morning at that Manhattan Ave diner.
4. I want to write a joke about not being able to suspend disbelif.
5. Mr. Mike's Mondo Video should become Mr. Mike's Mondo DVD.
6.
7.
8. Drink eight glasses of water daily. Every day.
9. Throw away those Russian records that continue to frighten me.
10. Stop ghost-writing autobiographies for people who are non-existant.

Thunder, Lightning, Frightening.

If I had a soul band, I'd name it that.

Epic, man. Epic.

Dear Garfield,

Stop acting like you got obligations.

Sincerely,
The Planet, The Galaxy and Every Molecule Ever

The opening line of my sales pitch for a new brand of metal throat tube/satellite radio receiver..

"Dammit"

Hi Georgia, Georgia Here..

From: Georgia Pack
Subject: Georgia Pack wrote:

hi Georgia i hope this is your e-mail.
I was like to see you the other day. I expect you was excited about New York.
So much so much happening all the time, lots of great opportunities.
And speaking of opportunities, the deal I was speaking you about day before included a company
named Tex-Homa (TXHE).
It's already lift up, but the big info isn't even
out yet, so there's still time. I have got this shares already and made
2000. I counsel you to do the same today.

Hope this helps you out. I'll see you this weekend.
Yours Georgia Pack

An ideal Halloween costume

My head in the center of a giant calendar turned to November
the first day of the month circled in thick, red marker.
When someone asks what I am
I'll say all arrogantly
“The Future"

And then that particular someone will turn into a hurricane (cause that's how they're made, I think)

I ain't afraid of no ghosts.

(I am however, petrified of using proper English)

Welcome to an interesting fact I overheard in Chinatown this afternoon

"73% of the Earth's smog is caused by a foot disease only wolfmen can develop."

Case Closed, You All.

WILLMINGTON, Delaware – Dir. of the Office of Homeland Security Tom Ridge alongside local police chief William Hamm held a press conference yesterday addressing the latest information on the newly dubbed Cave Creep. Ridge stated, “Despite our initial reports, we now have strong evidence indicating Cave Creep’s tits are in fact, fake.”

Mr. Game Snow

This guy eats cocaine. He also photographs you while you're dancing.

BARRY MANILOW - "I Write The Songs..."

I've been alive forever
And I wrote the very first song
I put the words and the melodies together
I am music
And I write the songs

[Chorus:]
I write the songs that make the whole world HOuu..uhgggggha!
I write the songs of love and special mmmyyuuuuuvuh!
I write the songs that make the young girls zznuuuuuanananVUH!
I write the songs, I write the songs

My home lies deep within you
And I've got my own place in your soul
Now when I look out through your eyes
I'm young again, even tho' I'm very old

I write the songs that make the whole world AHHHHHHHHHH!!
I write the songs of love and special HUMMunnnananaan-zot
I write the songs that make the young girls muuuufedtt
I write the songs, I write the songs

Oh, my music makes you dance and gives you spirit to take a chance
And I wrote some rock 'n roll so you can move
Music fills your heart, well that's a real find place to start
It's from me, it's for you
It's from you, it's for me
It's a worldwide symphony

I write the songs that make the whole world HEeeuhhhhguhHUWW!
I write the songs of love and special bafooooka
I write the songs that make the young girls garGGRARG
I write the songs, I write the songs

I write the songs that make the whole world NOOYEREW
I write the songs of love and special Gagyuuhit
I write the songs that make the young girls hmmmmmSWUUHYTE!
I write the songs, I write the songs

I am music and I write the songs

Sender: Ticketmaster

Subject: Don't miss "The Marine" & WWE RAW present: The DX Reunion Tour!

Thank you for the email, Ticketmaster. Really, it's like you know what I'm thinking. And what I need. It almost makes me regret the fact I have to pour lava all over your office sometime in the near future. Or yesterday.

hey, here's an idea!

shave your beard and remind yourself how much you lack a chin! ok?

You don't know?

The New York City subway system smells like the business end of a butthole. All day. Every day.

David Johansenmenvenbenden

Ok. I really must say I'm taken aback quite a bit right now. I'd just found out this guy:


Is the same exact person as this guy:


And this guy is the same as the two above:

The guy driving the cab.